Body Image Part One

This isn’t my actual hair color, though I wish it was. It’s the lighting.

This is going to be a two plus blog entry on body image. I’ve decided to first try and analyze how I think I came about my own body image issues. First though, I want to remind everyone that this is my own perception, and thus is only accurate to a degree. Because I won’t be able to pick out everything, or realize everything that might have affected me. I will try to do this in some order (head to toes should work best), without focusing on something more then needs be. But having read my last post, I might not be too successful ;).

The first thing I’ve ever been self-conscious about is my hair. I have auburn hair. When I was a child it was a LOT redder then it is now (last time I had it completely natural it was mostly brown). I was teased for my red hair, I wanted to dye it any color other then red. That was when I was 10. When I was 15 as an act of rebellion, and just wanting something a little different I finally dyed my hair, slightly blonder. Then when I graduated high school my hair decided to go brown, as I think of it. So the next year, still being unhappy with my hair I got it professionally dyed. The stylist refused to listen to me, and I went blond. Everyone but me loved it. But when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see “Kathlynn”. It was not my face that was looking back at me. And it’s a freaky feeling, not being able to say “yeah that’s me”. So within a month my hair was dyed red again, and since then every 6-8 months my hair gets dyed again, because it’s never red enough for my inner self. Why is this, well I accepted that my hair was red, I loved it. Then poof, within a year it was almost completely brown (to me). Even today, dyeing my hair red, I still occasionally get mistaken for a brunette. (yet my friend calls me “a little red head girl”). So it is so ingrained in myself image I cannot let it go. Heck every single story I make up has a red-head for the main female character, ’cause She is Me.

I’ve found nothing greatly wrong with my face, though I don’t like the acne scars (my own fault for picking my pimples) or how some times I feel they are getting a little chubby (and the fact that the skin on my throat is a little loose). I actually think my face is quite beautiful (and I make it so every time I paint it).

The next part of me is my Boobs, breasts, etc. Like many other females, I don’t feel mine are the size they should be. Myself I feel like they are too small. And I’m a D cup. Even though my clothes fit well, they aren’t usually loose or baggy, I feel like my breasts get hidden by my clothing. I feel like they should be more visible. This may be due to how they sit on my chest, as I’ve been told that “My boobs should not be so low at my age”, well they are at where they’ve always been at. My dissatisfaction may also stem from having a large stomach, which makes them seem smaller, and hides my curves.

After my breasts is my torso vs arms. This is the start of my biggest issue with my body. I have beautiful skinny arms. Which I used to hate. Now I don’t. But I was not without reason to dislike them. Growing up I had the hardest time putting on weight, so people thought I was too skinny (imagine being 60lbs at about 4’5”-4’7”, 10-12 years old), But I ate like a horse, or in my case, as much as my older brother did. Then my growth-spurt hit, with all the *lovely* stretch marks that now cover my body. In 1-2 years I grew 9.75 inches, gained 40-60 pounds and so on. The thing is, this is when my body decided to back fire on me and form a body that just doesn’t look right. My torso is either too long, or to short, depending on how you look at it, my hips+butt area is too long, and my legs to short. The weight I gained in the last 2 years hasn’t helped any either. I also feel like, for my bon structure I’m too wide. Because when I look at my arms, boobs, head, everything, it says “skinny” yet I’ve a wide and long torso. earlier I mentioned I have a bit of a

the reflection on the left is my attempt at capturing the ideal me. the one on the right is me basically unedited. (just smart adjusted via Photoshop)

tummy. I always have, even when I only weighted 100lb and fully grown. This exacerbates my feelings for my “trunk” because it makes it even wider and eliminates ant curves I might have had. I also get told “hold you stomach in” or have to do so myself, because my clothing never looks that good (I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about. In addition it’s why I have to buy loose shirts, ’cause otherwise my shirts will ride up and bare my stomach to the world. (it also makes me cold, and uncomfortable). Usually I can’t even wear jeans that go up to the top of my hips, because when I zip them up, or sit down, they dig into my stomach. Even though they are the correct size, or even a little loose. And if I get hiphuggers I have to wear a belt,

Why? ’cause I’ve a big long ass that causes them to fall off. And that long butt, that lasts for way too long, makes it harder to find pants I’ve tried on at least on pair of pants that left me looking very sad (they moved my butt up and to the side…). It also makes finding skits and dresses very hard (tummy included in this) because they are all designed for athletic people. Or at least people without tummies, or fat thighs. And those fat thighs, they make my legs look even shorter. So when I look in the mirror I naked see something completely different then how I look clothed. Most of my clothing help mold my body into pleasing versions of it, pants especially. When I’m not clothed I see short stubby, fat legs, hips/butt that starts too soon, and doesn’t really stop, and a torso that’s too long if you don’t consider it ending at the “waist” (belly button area), or too short if you do. My legs and body also make it hard to find clothing at the proper lengths. Shirts are too short, pants too long, and such.

Last piece. My feet. They are the ugliest part on me, they also cause me the most pain. They have to be strange, over sensitive, and malfunctioning. I’ve ‘atypical’ plantar fasciitis (because I don’t experience heel pain at all), so I’m frequently dreading taking a step, as just one can cause the rest of my steps that day to be full of pain. The ugly is just me, I don’t like the look of them. And most of my dissatisfaction with them centers around the pain they cause (besides from being constantly cold, and rough, thus irritating). Thank God for socks.

Basically, for the ideal me, at the weight I am now, I’d need to grow to about 5’7”-5’9”, keeping almost everything else the same. I assume my feet would need to grow a bit as well, and yeah, I’d still want bigger boobs. At this height I need to loose at least 20 pounds of fat, replace some of that fat with muscle, especially in the stomach and thighs (weirdest thing is, my legs are fairy strong).

There are also some physiological changes that I would make, that I could actually enact now, but I don’t because they are so culturally unusual that I doubt I’d be able to get a job. First, I’d like a few more piercings, like ears and eyebrows. Maybe a belly button ring. Not so bad, but I’d like some tattoos, though I don’t know of what yet. And biggest thing, I’d like to wear face paint everyday, like have my face covered in it. Because my body is my canvas, and it’s beautiful. But everyone would think I’m a whack job. I’d also like to wear corsets and other gothic apparel, because it fits my personality. And the only place I can imagine getting these wants from, my historical fiction and TV shows, showing how awesome looking a tiny waist can be. Because I’ve had an obsession with wearing a corset since I was like 14, and I’ve loved face paint for as long as I can remember, though I only recently rediscovered it as an adult.