Hi everyone. I want to write about a topic today, it might be hard to relate to my side. And I know it will paint me as lazy, maybe selfish and stuff. But I hope that I will get my points across clearly so it doesn’t.
Growing up my mother never had a job, and never really kept the house clean, or assigned up chores. We did have chores at our dad’s, but weren’t ever there long enough for it to make a difference. As we got older my mother began to get upset because we didn’t keep our rooms clean, do dishes etc. And when your messy room is cleaner than the rest of the house, or you don’t have a proper storage space for your belongings you start to resent that, and well never clean up after yourself.
Truthfully, if there is a stay at home parent I do not think it should be the kids job to do any of the cleaning, except for the purpose of habit-forming and learning. Especially if the stay at home parent sits on their ass and watches TV all day, or plays on the computer or socializes. Which is what my mother did. Any chores that got done were assigned to my brother and I, which doesn’t mean that we always did them, but that they did get done. In spite of our asthma, or my brother’s allergies. (the dust from replacing cat litter for out 15 indoor cats always strongly triggered our asthma). If clothes were in our laundry bin for a year, beside the washer, it was our fault because
[we exist and my mom cannot accept responsibility] we didn’t tell her. Same if the clothing was placed on the washer. “she didn’t know it was there.
I know my mother has at least on mental illness. So many of her actions are “caused” by them. But I cannot accept that to the extent that she let everything go, that it’s all mental illness. If it was just hoarding, that’d be one thing. but the blaming that went on, everything being my fault, or my responsibility. I cannot. Not when I’ve talked to other people who have it way worse for mental illness (like PTSD, DID, SI, ED) and they try to get better, rather than wallow in the problems. They work on doing something, rather than just sitting around doing nothing. And they don’t blame people for things they should have done. They also treat their mental illness once they know about it.
Besides from that, if you are at home, that is your job, taking care of the home. I’m not saying things should be spotless, that would be very hypocritical of myself (my room is a mess at this very moment). Assign the chores that you can’t get done to other family members. Don\t work yourself to the bone. But remember, while yes you do have a full-time job ( or two) taking care of the home, so does you possible spouse (if he/she doesn’t, tell them to get off their ass and get a job, or pitch in more), and any kids you have that are of school age. Especially kids of school age. Because school IS a full-time job, whether its elementary school, high school, or college. I know this is not the case for everyone, but when I was in high school, I went fairly academic, due to lack of alternative classes. Many of the science classes would give me at least one hour of homework a night, per class. same with the math. One semester I had math, biology, and chemistry. If I’d done the chemistry home work I would have had 5 hours of homework every night (I chose not to do it and just copy it from the back because I didn’t grasp the concepts and the teacher couldn’t help me understand it better… and she didn’t check the homework that often either). As it was I still have 4 hours, And I didn’t get home until 3:45-4pm, after taking the bus straight after school. So that puts away from home 7:40am- 3:45pm, homework from 4:30pm-8:30pm (if I remembered to do it, which I didn’t always, instead I’d do it in other classes). That leaves about 1.5 hours to do chores. Or relax. As someone who wasn’t in the habit of cleaning, yeah I’d choose relaxing over chores.
Now, living with my grandma, she has a little more room to complain, she keeps the house a little neater, she actually cooks supper, and washes the clothing unprompted (But then again I rarely have enough clothing to get washed on my own, else I’d pitch in there). And she works full-time. Which gains her a lot of ground. But when she expects me to help her clean the front room, or kitchen, beyond getting my stuff out of them, and collecting cans it annoys me. Because I’m not really allowed to have my things outside of my room (which is why it’s sooo messy, my room’s tiny and doesn’t have much space to organize everything). And because she will over react to the amount of stuff I have it those rooms. before I began to “live” in my room, She’d always be after me to get my books out of the front room and put them away, often it was like 5 book, once it was literally 1 book, she’s been going on and on about how my books were everywhere for a week, and I had one book in the front room (which is why it took me a week to do anything). She also judges how I do anything, so I’d cook more (and tried to, for a bit) but she’s constantly telling me to do [whatever I’m doing] differently. Or she gets upset when I don’t trust the milk, or something else we have.
I feel like, okay you want me to do more, tell me what you want me to do, a time frame (like “while I’m gone shopping”) and make sure I’m listening, and accept that I might forget and need reminded otherwise. (it’s a flaw of mine, tell me something while I’m reading, or if I have to switch my concentration too many times and I will forget (getting ready for the bus, to the bus, then through school, I’m going to forget to pick up the butter there’s at least 5 big things I’m focused on with countless other little things, and reading time).). And be consistent. You hear that advice on TV, in magazines, etc, all the time. It’s true, when you are not used to doing something, You Do NOT Think About It. While I should, I do not associate dishes being in the dishwasher meaning I should put them away (they may be dirty), or if it’s in a different spot (it moves). If it was mostly, or always done at a specific time, If I was reminded to do it when I’m not concentrating on something else, then I’d be more likely to do it. Rather then doing it occasionally and getting yelled at every few months for forgetting to. Not to say I shouldn’t try to (I do, but I’m more forgetful than the average person IMOP), or that she shouldn’t get mad at me for not putting them away.
Also people need to be clear in their expectations, things should be divided up evenly given consideration to all factors. Like age, gender, and knowledge on how to clean/cook, and free time. I say age, because if you are young you are probably be able to do more then an older person, maybe stronger as well. I say gender because truthfully, most guys are stronger than me, a female. So yeah, I’m getting the guy to mow the lawn, and I’ll take washing the dishes, type of thing, where strength may matter. Not due to actual gender stereotypes. rather personal experience.