vulnerable

I am vulnerable. I admit it, I try to fix it but it’s the truth. I do not like to argue. I’ve done so too much in the past. So I walk away from arguments, I refuse to participate. But that makes people get more aggressive or think that you admit that you are wrong. It makes them feel more powerful. I do not have a way with words (out side of writing them down), my brain has to focus too much on containing my emotions, so I don’t scream, cry or yell out the wrong shit. It also differs because I cannot argue every point because I cannot remember them. People do not prove their points yet expect me to prove mine. I find out their lies but cannot confront them without causing drama I’m supposed to avoid. This all makes me vulnerable. Other people cause the problems but I am supposed to fix them, let it go, or compromise (with me the looser). I accept responsibility, we can argue whether or not I take enough, too much, or not. But I do so in way many people I know don’t. I do not shirk my financial obligations, or things I feel obligated to do. Even if I don’t want to. While I wouldn’t marry some one out of obligation, it is a spot I’m vulnerable at. Because I’ve known too many people who aren’t responsible, and that shaped me to be honorable. But honor leads to vulnerability you cannot be completely honorable without getting taken advantage of. People can also hid who they are, So I sometimes trust the wrong people until it’s too late and I am taken advantage of (say house sitting when I don’t want to, or moving in with another person). I do not lie without reason. I may avoid mentioning something (like admitting to using my mp3 player when caught but not my cellphone at work), but that happens as rarely as a lie. It leaves me vulnerable because people still believe I lie, or for example accuse me of stealing and it upsets me. I do not lie, there is no proof of any wrong doing, yet people feel the to accuse me of doing so.

 

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Asexuality

Asexual, Aromantic, Demisexual, Greysexual, Sexual. These are some of the labels I found a few years back, trying to figure out what the hell I was (sexually).

Asexual: someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction

Aromantic: someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction

Demisexual: some one who only experience sexual attraction when they have a strong romantic connection to another

Graysexuals: rarely experience sexual attraction (like maybe once or twice in their life)

What they don’t mean

they don’t mean that the person hasn’t mature, that the person hasn’t found the right person, that they don’t masturbate, or that they have been abused. Some asexual masturbate, some don’t, some have been abused, some haven’t. some might find a person in the future (but don’t count on it) but that doesn’t invalidate their sexual identity. Nor does it mean that these terms don’t exist (as defined here).

It doesn’t actually indicate whether an individual has sex, nor does an individual having sex indicate that they don’t identify with these terms. Because these labels cannot be identified by what another person perceives, rather it’s how a person feels, how they identify. Why? simply because the ability to identify as such lies solely with the person’s emotions and interpretation of those emotions. Unless you are a psychic you cannot know why some one says “I’m actually curious how sex feels”. OR the reverse. if someone says “I have no interest in having sex/dating” you do not have the right to tell them that “they just haven’t met the right person yet” you are not s psychic, don’t invalidate them. The only person who can say whether the label actually fits is them. And they are not obligated to explain their thoughts, motivation, or feelings to whom ever demands that they do, or decides that because of something they said that they don’t fit the label.

there is also the asexual elitists, who from what I’ve seen hold their own definition of asexual. Usually it’s some one who is an asexual aromantic who doesn’t experience sexual desire (doesn’t get horny) and does nothing that that person deems “sexual”. As I’m probably overly bias  about those I’ve encountered, I will say nothing more then this, except that their views hinder the ace agenda more then help it. (by the way the ace agenda is simply/essentially that we want people to know we exist, and not tell us we are mentally ill or late bloomers)

 

My Sexuality (and How it Affects Me)

Before I write about my perception of Asexuality I need to write about how I identify within the spectrum. I am very open and it might not be needed for reading the next blog post, so feel free to skip this.

 

Asexual flag

Asexual flag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I publicly identify as an Asexual Aromantic (ace, and aro). With the emphasis on aromantic. I also have a high libido, and have been reading romance books and porn since I was like 13. Of my own volition, free will, desire.  Because of this I resisted identifying as asexual, until I heard about aromantics. Even now, I think if I were not aromantic I’d probably be demi-asexual. Because I feel that I would probably form sexual attraction if I could feel romantic attraction. That if I formed a strong emotional connection to my partner I might come to desire him/her sexually. I do not know whether I’d be hetro-romantic bi-romantic or homo-romantic though. (if I had to guess I’d probably ID as bi, I just cannot see myself as a heterosexual/romantic) .  As it is, if I could find some one I feel safe enough with, I would be curious to experiment with sex, since I’m curious about it, in spite of the fact that I’ve no desire to have sex with a specific person (the difference is my brain goes “wonder what it would feel if it were some one else hand etc not ___”, rather then “I really want to have sex/kiss/etc ___” curiosity sucks)

 

This has caused many other asexuals (usually referred to as asexual elitism) to tell me I am not an asexual, because I do not fit their personal definition of asexual (or aromantic). Because I do not fit many of the stereotypes. So while I identify as ace I often find that I don’t fit in with any group, because when I’m around “sexuals” I get told I need to date and have sex, despite the fact that I’ve no desire to do so. Nor do I think it would be fair for me to date another person, as I’d feel like I was lying to them. When I’m online talking to asexuals I do not find that I can associate with a lot of their experiences, or there will be a lot of elitists  and I get bashed for being true to myself, and being open about who I am. But then again, being who I am, I don’t find that I identify with people, without considering sexuality. I’m a very ‘narrow’ life and it doesn’t usually include things most people are interested in, or what they want to talk about (I read, play computer games, and play singing games on my xbox.). I generally don’t watch TV, in fact I’ve found many of the things my room-mates (having recently moved) watch obnoxious, and I just want to tell them to change the channel.