Emotions, They REALLY Suck Sometimes

Right now I am struggling. I want to cry, but I cannot. I mean I am literally mentally incapable of letting myself cry (yes, I self diagnosed that.), I no longer know how to let myself cry, to let the pain out. So I am left feeling like I did as a kid, I want to pick something up and swing it around, maybe hit something, I don’t know. All I do know is that I want to cry, I want to move, I want to scream as loud as I can, at the people who hurt me. I moved in with some people from work, I put a lot of my own money into moving out, thinking they would repay me. oh yeah, I put my name on the one bill we had (shaw, cable internet and phone all through them). Well those were really the only mistakes I made. I tried my best not to argue, but things didn’t go smoothly, and we did argue, or rather myself and the other female roommate did. I won’t get into what we argued about, beyond her dogs, her lack rent, and me closing the blinds on her. Because of that, she felt there was too much tension and after a few more lies, kicked me out of my own house (I was on the rental agreement, she isn’t). I let it happen because, really things cannot get better after that. She turned even bitchier, lied some more, claiming I stole from them, that I was planning on stealing from them, etc. My trust was so violated. The day they evicted me I spent $200 on things for the household, even though I wasn’t going to be there for two weeks as I was house sitting . They knew I was going to do this. They didn’t refuse it, or anything. And the note they taped on my door, made it clear that they didn’t want to discuss it.

 

You know what, I really wish I could go back to being eight years old again. Really, no responsibility, not a care in the world, my biggest decision was… umm… I got it, whether or not I was going to behave, or act out, what toys to play with. that’s sooooooo much simpler.

 

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