Morals

I want to talk a bit about morals, and not the big social ones, like why child molestation is wrong, or why incest is wrong 90% of the time (see dear prudence’s twincest letter for the other 10%). Rather the smaller more personal ones, like access to birth control, abortion.

Now I must admit, in most cases I am going to lie in the “pro” category, even if I don’t agree with the action. Because for the most part they will not effect me, or people I know in a negative way. If there are harmful side-effects from allowing something to happen (say sexual abuse from polygamist marriages) then rather then just banning them to prevent a potentially small percentage of abuse (since it hasn’t been an acceptable practice for over 1500 years, we can’t say what the actual percentage of the population would practice if it wasn’t illegal) the government should just regulate it (like they do in the example of polygamy, monogamist marriages).

For an extreme example, there are people who are extremely unhappy with a body part, usually a limb (Body integrity identity disorder) to the extent that some wish for it to be removed, and will try to force doctors to remove it. When it goes to that point, and a person will not seek psychiatric help, or it has not helped with the issue, then it should be an option. (then again only if they are willing to discuss it with a psychologist…). If a woman can say that they will never want to have kids (even if it’s they want kids but won’t because they carry a genetic disorder like Tay sachs disease), they should have the option to get their tubes tied. Same in the case of preventative medicine, if a woman or man feels her/his chances of getting a disease (example, having already been diagnosed with breast cancer. Or having had her mother and grandmother die of ovarian cancer) is too high they should be able to do so, even if the doctors disagree, and the patent finds the risk of getting the disease too stressful.

If the decision will not effect you directly, if it only really effects the person or family that makes the decision, and does no harm, why should you, or I or anyone, have a legal say in it. (and yes I do have more examples, and opinions if y’all need them on this topic)

 

Surviving Abuse Part II

So, this morning I open up my web browser and find that Michael Jackson , the late king of pop, has another sexual abuse aligation against him. By one of the young people who claimed he (MJ) had never abused him.  Then I read the comments talking about how he has to be lying now, since he said nothing was happening at the time. I cannot say which is true, except I will always believe the accuser in any case of abuse over the abuser, unless I’ve been given proof otherwise. I know people will say it’s not “guilty until proven innocent”, and while that’s true, in the case of abuse it pays to be prudent and take action to prevent further abuse.

I also know how scary it is to know or think that no one will support you if you say “___ abused me”. I know how it is to spend a decade lying to yourself, your family, the police, everyone, and say that nothing bad happened to you. I spent that long covering for my father. I spent even longer covering for my mother. Why? because as children we are taught not to say bad things about our parents. We are taught our parents love us the most, that they will never hurt us, that they know best. That if our parents do hurt us (spanking, for example) or get mad at us it’s our fault (we broke a rule). As I said before in Part I,  we are expected to forgive them, to keep them in our lives no matter what they did. We are told lies about what will happen if we contact the authorities (be it social services or the police). They could be the better parent, or the understanding uncle, the mother who seems to do anything for her kids (but emotionally abuses them, blames them for everything). Then there is the “bad things only happen to other people” mentality.  the thoughts are like this “It can’t be that bad, I’m blowing things out of proportion”, “It was only a bad dream, I made it, didn’t I (oh god I hope I was only dreaming)”, “It was my fault [insert reason] so it can’t be abuse” “dad would never do that”. Its scary, when it is happening, the person has made themselves important to you (or is an immediate family member), you don’t want that positive (because they need you to feel good, so you’ll get attached) influence in your life gone, but you don’t want to be active in letting the abuse happen (for sexual abuse), or because you are told you will loose your whole family if you get help (verbal abuse).

What kept going through my head with my father, like I said “this can’t be happening” “it has to be a dream” “oh god please shut up”, depending on the moment. Before his arrest for abusing someone else, he was the better parent, both my brother and I had so much more support from him, and life was so much better with him. I mean my mother was the emotionally abusive controlling bitch, my father was the supportive, but strict parent (who likes to touch little girls). My father’s abuse touched a lot less of my life (though I doubt would have stayed that way). So I told myself it couldn’t be happening. When he got arrested I kept hearing my mother (who would have no actual way of knowing, as she didn’t live with him at the time) deny what happened, saying they were making it up. If they were making it up, I had to be making it up, I couldn’t hurt my family this way, by admitting it (and wrecking my whole world). Not that these were conscious thoughts, I was only 11 or so at the time. Most of the denial, that lead me to deny what happened, it was completely unconscious. I actually was waiting for some one to say “stop lying kathlynn and tell us the truth” not that I would have. ’cause you know in a kids mind denial makes it the truth, I didn’t want it to happen, so it didn’t and I would deny it. And guess what. I came pre-brainwashed not to tell, since my mother was doing her own “programming” at the time, teaching me not to tell social services that she was emotionally abusive, kept the house a mess, and only got us medical treatment because of our dad (and his insurance), and later other family members some how forcing her to.

That’s why I don’t instantly dismiss the claims that he was abused, because it’s possible. Completely possible. Kids lie easier then adults some times, especially when they are lying to protect themselves and their families or friends. And when I read the comments about how he has to be lying now, because he denied it in the past, do you know what I hear? “yeah you were right to never go to the police kathlynn, when you stopped denying it happened, because no one will believe you” So EVERYONE who automatically says that the guy is a liar is supporting rapists every where, supporting rape culture, supporting child abuse. Because you are supporting the thought that no one will believe you, and that you are a big fat liar.

So STOP SILENCING ME

that’s all, just please people stop voicing this as your first thought, Please, even if it’s true, it effects more then just this case, it effect all abuse survives