So, I just needed to vent.

I want to wake up one day looking forward to the the present and the future.

I want to get out of bed knowing it will be a good day. I want go through the day feeling like I’m actually feeling, not a shadow or fake feeling. I don’t want to worry about how other’s are going to react to my behaviour. I don’t want to feel like crying without knowing why (but yet unable to do so).

I want to know that everything I’ve done is or was done because it was the best choice I could make for myself. to live with certainty rather then panic. No longer double guessing everything I do or think. To live without this anxiety that I was born with, yet never had a name for.

I want to know that I have a future I will love. No longer fearing the future, or lack of one. To know I have a place in this world, rather then feeling like I really shouldn’t be here. That I’m taking up space and resources that would be better used for some one else. That I’m doing something meaningful, rather then the gruelling labour I do now, with no purpose but to allow my boss to go on vacation for a good part of the year.

I want to feel free, free to be me. Free to choose what I want to do or be, not what others think I should do or be. Free to laugh without worrying about explaining myself. Free to cry, even if I don’t know why. Free to run up and down the hall, without getting yelled at. I just want to be free.