Poem

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  So I just wrote this poem, and I thought I would share it. It’s not the best I’ve written,    but neither is it the worst. The words

described are meant to represent mental anguish not physical pain. And I’m sorry if the large space between lines makes it hard to read, I couldn’t figure out how to prevent that.

Break, crash, smash

my heart is broken

too many pieces

no way to fit it together again

break break crash

break it again

smash it apart

show me you don’t care

break smash crash

show the truth

smash crash bang

hurt me again

dry as a desert

I cannot cry

break smash crash

my heart is destroyed

nothing left to fix

I cannot feel

breaks smash crash

I hate you

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Letter To Myself

You know about those letter you are supposed to write yourself, to your past self, to change something or what ever. This is one of those. Well actually it’s one post with multiple letters

Dear Kathlynn

congratulations you have finished Gr.5. you know that thing you are denying? tell some one. Please. I know you don’t want to believe it’s wrong. You don’t want to believe your daddy would do it. But he is. Tell an important person. But not your mommy, she might not believe you. Tell your teacher, or grandma T. You telling is a good thing. And if you don’t tell, that’s okay too. But I want you to know that it is wrong, it is happening, and there are people around who would help you. And those emotions you are feeling tell some one about them. Not your mommy she will deny them. Not your family either. Tell a teacher. They are not normal. Though your fear of spiders and crossing roads are understandable.

Also you are a wonderful awesome person. I wish I was still like you. Also, please study, please? pretty please? you will buy yourself books and chocolate if you do!

Your older, wiser self.

 

Dear Kathlynn

Hurray, you just started gr.9. Please tell someone. You are depressed. You do need the treatment you want. The attention you don’t think you have the right to demand. Your mother is the bitch you are starting to think of her as. And, while it’s hard, try to push yourself past your learned fear of social services and get out of that house. you will thank me for it. They can place you with your family or a nice family else where (remember N). It will do you good. Your mother is depressed as well. That doesn’t excuse her behaviour, but you are right, there is something wrong with her. Please get help. Your mom will just deny it, but maybe if you tell someone else you will get the help you need. Also, Study you idiot. There is still time to learn how. You will thank yourself a lot sooner then you think.

Your, older wiser self

Dear Kathlynn

Congratulations you just finished gr.11. Do not take that job at Huskey. Don’t, it’s not worth it, in any way. You will regret it. Go to grandma’s with some resumes and try to get a job there. Maybe you’ll even get to stay there. Also don’t bother taking that test in biology next year, you are going to fail it, ’cause you never studied. And don’t put off applying for schools. Go for your dreams as soon as you can, because if you don’t you won’t have the courage to do them in the future.

Also, your feelings, they aren’t normal, please get help. Please, you need it.

your sadder self

Dear Kathlynn

Thank you, thank you so much for getting help. I know why we didn’t go sooner. But it will get better. The glow will dim, but the numbness? it is a sign of depression. I know right, why didn’t they tell us that in school? But it will go away, for at least 3 years. But now, now you need to focus on getting better. And getting your license so you can boogie out of grandma’s. It’s not going to be good for much longer. Go before you are trapped there. Also, Ter is awesome, Wile Tra and LD suck. Do not stay in the sorority. It’s not worth it. Really it’s going to get bad, and it’s not worth it. This year will be awesome, but the next one will suck. Remember the church group, yeah it will be just like that. except with judgemental bitches, who cannot accept you for who you are.

 

Why Youth No Longer Listen To Their Elders (Advice)

So, why does you internet savvy teen-aged child ignore your demand that they wear a jacket when it’s cold out; Ignore you advice not to drink milk while sick; Reading in dim light?

Well there are two completely different reasons. The first, they are teenagers, they want to make their own decisions. and really some of these things, just let them. It’s easier on the child-parent relationship if you do. Argue only when necessary not when ever they do things you think are wrong.

The second? You are likely wrong. With at least the above examples, there is no proof they will harm a person. I’ve gotten into the habit of always double checking anything I’m told my my grandmother and mother, the “facts” they are telling me are usually wrong. So why would we go to a likely faulty source when we have a source that is more reliable at hand? To make you feel better? Nope, I’m going with the truth, rather then facilitating more lies.

Though I do admit, you do have to be careful with the sources, since they can be wrong as well, always double or triple check anything.

Remembering Myself

So, I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. I have at least mostly gotten past my depression. I still struggle with my anxiety. Which is my own fault as I’m not really doing anything to get over it. But otherwise I’m feeling the best I have since I was 10. Yup 14 years of struggling through depression. almost 24 years of suffering with anxiety. So most of my memories are tainted by the emotions triggered by (or triggering) my depression and anxiety. Sometimes, remembering the past is fine. I hate how much I dwell on it, but There isn’t really much I can do, besides avoid talking about it. Which I do (when I can control that impulse). Other times, usually when I’m more reflective, I think back and I can still feel the depression feelings. And it scares me, really scares me. To know I felt that hopeless, that confused. And I hate it. It triggers my anxiety; I’m terrified that my depression will come back, and that this time I won’t get help. That I will be too hurt, too broken, too depressed to get help. Or if I do they won’t help me, or it won’t work. Generally I can ignore the feeling that it’s right out there on the edge of my conscience waiting to pounce. Waiting for me to get weak again. But when I think of the past I can’t ignore it, because the feelings, they don’t feel old then, they feel fresh, my mind brings them back, and it makes me want to cry. It’s scary, to me it really is.

English: An anxious person

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

^this is totally how I’m feeling right now^

People’s Responces to Uncommon Sexual Orientations

Sexuality confusion

Sexuality confusion (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So lately I’ve been discussing my sexual orientation with others. And not just my own, but sexual orientation in general. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is how uninformed people are.  How judgemental they are.

This also comes with an announcement, sort-of, I completely self Identify as an aromantic demisexual (before I was just going “well maybe”). Publicly it will remain aromantic asexual, I don’t feel like explaining that I intrinsically know that if I were able to develop deep lasting romantic bonds I would/could experience sexual attraction. I don’t want to confuse people more then I already do by identifying as a asexual (who happens to have a libido).

How does this relate to the discussion of sexual orientation? Demisexuality comes under fire a lot. Sexuals refuse to understand that when we say “yeah, if I form a bond with some one I might become sexually attracted to them”. They then like to claim we don’t understand sexuals and are offending them. Why? Because obviously we are assuming they are attracted to everybody who fits their sexual identity. Or because we are supposedly over estimating the number of people they are attracted to. The thing is, even if at this current time you are only attracted to 5 people that is more then any gray ace or demi will be attracted to at one time,  Maybe even more then their whole life time.

Which is why they are included in the asexual spectrum which people argue against. In fact today someone told me that “they aren’t asexuals and they aren’t sexuals” and that is how I should explain it . But it’s not that simple. Sexuality is a spectrum, Check out the Kinsey scale for that. Asexuality is the same.

Another problem I find is people looking down on others for having a romantic orientation. Why? either because they don’t feel it’s necessary (they think that heteroromantics should identify as heterosexual for example, or someone who is heterosexual homoromantic should identify as bisexual). The other group do not realize (or I hope they don’t)  that they also experience romantic attraction, and do not like it when asexuals compare sexual attraction to romantic attraction with equal weight given to each. Both groups feel like it’s only the sexual orientation that matters. Well so long as they think that the orientation is valid.

I wish educating people was easier. I wish I didn’t experience just as much hate, discrimination, and ignorance from the LGBT community as I do from the heterosexual community. But I am only one person. I just hope one day this will change, and people will respect asexuality more then they do now.

What is Forgiveness

I know, this post is very similar to one I made in the past, but this issue is bothering me. I’m getting so much pressure from people to forgive. I’m reading online seeing people say things like this (partial quote):

Forgiveness doesn’t need to have anything to do with the other person really at all. Its all about you. F**k the other person.

Forgiveness is about accepting what happened to you and compassion for yourself. That’s the hardest part sometimes. There’s almost an anger with yourself for allowing it or not being able to prevent it. In fact you’re so angry over the situation that you don’t want to accept anything about it. You may want to reject that whole time in your life. Or the place that it happened. Or people that look like/remind you of whoever it is that hurt you.

No. If forgiveness was about forgiving yourself, we would not phrase it as “you need to forgive [abuser]”. There would be no one telling you to forgive [abuser] and move past it, without any remorse etc. from your abuser(s). They would not be telling you to keep your abuser in your life. You would not be expected to treat that person (or those people) with the respect they DO NOT deserve.

If forgiveness was for the victim, not the abuser/bully/perp. then the statement would sound completely different. It would be “you need to forgive yourself”, or “you need to deal with this, and decide how you want to deal with your [abuser]”

Sadly what most people seem happy to ignore is the fact that, usually, this abuse isn’t something that has or will stop. So they say “you need to let go of the past” and can’t seem to understand that we want to. But how do you get passed something, when you can’t heal because the scars aren’t given enough time to heal before they are ripped open again? I wish I knew, because you know what. I’m tired, so bloody tired of living my past over and over again. I want to forgive, to reconcile, to move past this all. But, to borrow some imagery from a book I read (thank  you Anne Bishop) it’s like this giant infected wound in my chest, and it keeps getting bigger the more I’m hurt. It hasn’t popped yet. But I wish I knew how to make it, how to clean it out and let it heal. And I think most of use want to do so.

But when we keep getting pushed to do something that just keeps us open to more abuse. When we are pushed to forgive our abusers, to forgive everything that happens to us, how do we learn to do more then just push it all inside, where it forms those big balls of infected pain. How can we heal, when we are told that the only person who is responsible for the abuse is ourselves, since we are told that we cannot hold our abuser accountable for their actions, rather we must explain them away, by thinking “it’s the way they were raised”, “they are mentally ill”, “they only do it because they are/were abused”  etc. When we are told that we must keep allowing them to abuse us, else we are being disrespectful, rude, dishonourable, bad, etc. We are told we must be the compassionate ones, we must be the better person.

No matter who says it. The common usage of the word is to pardon the behaviour, with no consequences, thus condoning the behaviour. We need a better word for what we expect victims to do, since forgiveness will never change enough to fit well enough. No matter what people (even medical professionals) try to tell us that it doesn’t mean to condone the abuse.