Happy Update (anxiety thought triggers)

So, I have these pills. I refer to them as my “Magic Happy Pills”. And no they aren’t illegal drugs. I don’t get them from a illegal drug dealer. They are low dose anti-depressants (citalopram), and I got the prescription  from my doctor, and got them from a legal drug dealer. One of the local pharmacists. (sorry I couldn’t help it). At least that’s the short story.

The long story is that I finally started to realize how much my anxiety was effecting my life. How many decisions I couldn’t make, that I needed to make asap, because of it. I was almost at the end of my rope, though I didn’t realize it. And I was also realizing, that no, my emotional disconnect probably wasn’t normal (left over from depression). But I couldn’t call, stupid phone-phobia/etc., I had to find some other way to get to my doctor’s. So I mention it to someone at work, she claims she’ll do it, but another coworker ends up phoning the doctor for me (hey I did write out what to say, and get the number). I go into the doctor’s and he asks me a few questions (including the “well why are you getting help now” question that pisses me off), asked me what treatment I wanted, then poof I got my prescription and at the end of the week I started taking my “magic happy pills”.

I am fairly in touch with my brain, and how it feels, so I noticed something fairly quickly. Might just be placibo, but I have no way of knowing. The first two days, while nothing changed, my brain felt different, like it was getting strengthened, more support, or something. Things started to connect to each better (how I think it fits best), which lead me to feel a bit more energy (and I was nervous), and made it hard to sleep (even though a side effect is sleepiness). I also saw a tiny increase in my ability to focus. By the third day I had noticable results, I could climb ladders without being terrified of falling, stand on counter tops without thinking that I was going to break my neck. And my emotions returned. Like, they weren’t gone before, they were closer then when I was in a full depressive episode, but they were still not there, I had to think hard to know what my general mood was, or my mood at all most times (short bursts of happy/sad/angry/mad excluded). These made me so happy I couldn’t shut up about my beautiful wonderful magic happy pills for a month (even now, occasionally I climb something and go “oh yeah look at me I’m not terrified).

Did it remove it completely? No, and while I had a 99% improvement so fast, part of it was because I cautious in testing myself, so my initial response wasn’t completely accurate. But my improvement is still in the 90% rate. How it worked on me is hard to explain. Most of my anxiety is gone, but I still have a few issues, where it’s still like 7-9 (phones…..), but it’s like a 4-6 was pre-meds to do. like, all the simple anxiety (like fear of  hights) is gone, occasionally I still have the bad thought patterns, but those are like “big whoop” and it’s gone. Some are rational anxiety, so harder to deal with. Then there is phoning and planning my future. I would still prefer to waste gas and time to avoid making important phone calls. Now some of the main thoughts for this are logical/acceptable – before they weren’t. Which makes it harder to deal with on one side. The other is that this issue is so large and complex of course the meds couldn’t do much for it. So it still feels as massive as it did before. The difference is, I can make the phone calls. And I did, twice. Though I did pass one off to my grandma (it was just a price check with her mechanic), it wasn’t due to my anxiety. Because I was finally able to figure out how I’m going to approach my future:

1) get a car

1.5) learn to drive

2) get my N

3) get better job

4) pay of car loan/save money

5) go to school/move out (job, pharmacy tech)

6) go to school/move out (which ever wasn’t step 5)

7) say good bye to family. (may occur anytime before, between, or after steps 5/6)

8) save for retirement and enjoy life


Why Youth No Longer Listen To Their Elders (Advice)

So, why does you internet savvy teen-aged child ignore your demand that they wear a jacket when it’s cold out; Ignore you advice not to drink milk while sick; Reading in dim light?

Well there are two completely different reasons. The first, they are teenagers, they want to make their own decisions. and really some of these things, just let them. It’s easier on the child-parent relationship if you do. Argue only when necessary not when ever they do things you think are wrong.

The second? You are likely wrong. With at least the above examples, there is no proof they will harm a person. I’ve gotten into the habit of always double checking anything I’m told my my grandmother and mother, the “facts” they are telling me are usually wrong. So why would we go to a likely faulty source when we have a source that is more reliable at hand? To make you feel better? Nope, I’m going with the truth, rather then facilitating more lies.

Though I do admit, you do have to be careful with the sources, since they can be wrong as well, always double or triple check anything.

People’s Responces to Uncommon Sexual Orientations

Sexuality confusion

Sexuality confusion (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So lately I’ve been discussing my sexual orientation with others. And not just my own, but sexual orientation in general. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is how uninformed people are.  How judgemental they are.

This also comes with an announcement, sort-of, I completely self Identify as an aromantic demisexual (before I was just going “well maybe”). Publicly it will remain aromantic asexual, I don’t feel like explaining that I intrinsically know that if I were able to develop deep lasting romantic bonds I would/could experience sexual attraction. I don’t want to confuse people more then I already do by identifying as a asexual (who happens to have a libido).

How does this relate to the discussion of sexual orientation? Demisexuality comes under fire a lot. Sexuals refuse to understand that when we say “yeah, if I form a bond with some one I might become sexually attracted to them”. They then like to claim we don’t understand sexuals and are offending them. Why? Because obviously we are assuming they are attracted to everybody who fits their sexual identity. Or because we are supposedly over estimating the number of people they are attracted to. The thing is, even if at this current time you are only attracted to 5 people that is more then any gray ace or demi will be attracted to at one time,  Maybe even more then their whole life time.

Which is why they are included in the asexual spectrum which people argue against. In fact today someone told me that “they aren’t asexuals and they aren’t sexuals” and that is how I should explain it . But it’s not that simple. Sexuality is a spectrum, Check out the Kinsey scale for that. Asexuality is the same.

Another problem I find is people looking down on others for having a romantic orientation. Why? either because they don’t feel it’s necessary (they think that heteroromantics should identify as heterosexual for example, or someone who is heterosexual homoromantic should identify as bisexual). The other group do not realize (or I hope they don’t)  that they also experience romantic attraction, and do not like it when asexuals compare sexual attraction to romantic attraction with equal weight given to each. Both groups feel like it’s only the sexual orientation that matters. Well so long as they think that the orientation is valid.

I wish educating people was easier. I wish I didn’t experience just as much hate, discrimination, and ignorance from the LGBT community as I do from the heterosexual community. But I am only one person. I just hope one day this will change, and people will respect asexuality more then they do now.

What is Forgiveness

I know, this post is very similar to one I made in the past, but this issue is bothering me. I’m getting so much pressure from people to forgive. I’m reading online seeing people say things like this (partial quote):

Forgiveness doesn’t need to have anything to do with the other person really at all. Its all about you. F**k the other person.

Forgiveness is about accepting what happened to you and compassion for yourself. That’s the hardest part sometimes. There’s almost an anger with yourself for allowing it or not being able to prevent it. In fact you’re so angry over the situation that you don’t want to accept anything about it. You may want to reject that whole time in your life. Or the place that it happened. Or people that look like/remind you of whoever it is that hurt you.

No. If forgiveness was about forgiving yourself, we would not phrase it as “you need to forgive [abuser]”. There would be no one telling you to forgive [abuser] and move past it, without any remorse etc. from your abuser(s). They would not be telling you to keep your abuser in your life. You would not be expected to treat that person (or those people) with the respect they DO NOT deserve.

If forgiveness was for the victim, not the abuser/bully/perp. then the statement would sound completely different. It would be “you need to forgive yourself”, or “you need to deal with this, and decide how you want to deal with your [abuser]”

Sadly what most people seem happy to ignore is the fact that, usually, this abuse isn’t something that has or will stop. So they say “you need to let go of the past” and can’t seem to understand that we want to. But how do you get passed something, when you can’t heal because the scars aren’t given enough time to heal before they are ripped open again? I wish I knew, because you know what. I’m tired, so bloody tired of living my past over and over again. I want to forgive, to reconcile, to move past this all. But, to borrow some imagery from a book I read (thank  you Anne Bishop) it’s like this giant infected wound in my chest, and it keeps getting bigger the more I’m hurt. It hasn’t popped yet. But I wish I knew how to make it, how to clean it out and let it heal. And I think most of use want to do so.

But when we keep getting pushed to do something that just keeps us open to more abuse. When we are pushed to forgive our abusers, to forgive everything that happens to us, how do we learn to do more then just push it all inside, where it forms those big balls of infected pain. How can we heal, when we are told that the only person who is responsible for the abuse is ourselves, since we are told that we cannot hold our abuser accountable for their actions, rather we must explain them away, by thinking “it’s the way they were raised”, “they are mentally ill”, “they only do it because they are/were abused”  etc. When we are told that we must keep allowing them to abuse us, else we are being disrespectful, rude, dishonourable, bad, etc. We are told we must be the compassionate ones, we must be the better person.

No matter who says it. The common usage of the word is to pardon the behaviour, with no consequences, thus condoning the behaviour. We need a better word for what we expect victims to do, since forgiveness will never change enough to fit well enough. No matter what people (even medical professionals) try to tell us that it doesn’t mean to condone the abuse.


Surviving Abuse Part II

So, this morning I open up my web browser and find that Michael Jackson , the late king of pop, has another sexual abuse aligation against him. By one of the young people who claimed he (MJ) had never abused him.  Then I read the comments talking about how he has to be lying now, since he said nothing was happening at the time. I cannot say which is true, except I will always believe the accuser in any case of abuse over the abuser, unless I’ve been given proof otherwise. I know people will say it’s not “guilty until proven innocent”, and while that’s true, in the case of abuse it pays to be prudent and take action to prevent further abuse.

I also know how scary it is to know or think that no one will support you if you say “___ abused me”. I know how it is to spend a decade lying to yourself, your family, the police, everyone, and say that nothing bad happened to you. I spent that long covering for my father. I spent even longer covering for my mother. Why? because as children we are taught not to say bad things about our parents. We are taught our parents love us the most, that they will never hurt us, that they know best. That if our parents do hurt us (spanking, for example) or get mad at us it’s our fault (we broke a rule). As I said before in Part I,  we are expected to forgive them, to keep them in our lives no matter what they did. We are told lies about what will happen if we contact the authorities (be it social services or the police). They could be the better parent, or the understanding uncle, the mother who seems to do anything for her kids (but emotionally abuses them, blames them for everything). Then there is the “bad things only happen to other people” mentality.  the thoughts are like this “It can’t be that bad, I’m blowing things out of proportion”, “It was only a bad dream, I made it, didn’t I (oh god I hope I was only dreaming)”, “It was my fault [insert reason] so it can’t be abuse” “dad would never do that”. Its scary, when it is happening, the person has made themselves important to you (or is an immediate family member), you don’t want that positive (because they need you to feel good, so you’ll get attached) influence in your life gone, but you don’t want to be active in letting the abuse happen (for sexual abuse), or because you are told you will loose your whole family if you get help (verbal abuse).

What kept going through my head with my father, like I said “this can’t be happening” “it has to be a dream” “oh god please shut up”, depending on the moment. Before his arrest for abusing someone else, he was the better parent, both my brother and I had so much more support from him, and life was so much better with him. I mean my mother was the emotionally abusive controlling bitch, my father was the supportive, but strict parent (who likes to touch little girls). My father’s abuse touched a lot less of my life (though I doubt would have stayed that way). So I told myself it couldn’t be happening. When he got arrested I kept hearing my mother (who would have no actual way of knowing, as she didn’t live with him at the time) deny what happened, saying they were making it up. If they were making it up, I had to be making it up, I couldn’t hurt my family this way, by admitting it (and wrecking my whole world). Not that these were conscious thoughts, I was only 11 or so at the time. Most of the denial, that lead me to deny what happened, it was completely unconscious. I actually was waiting for some one to say “stop lying kathlynn and tell us the truth” not that I would have. ’cause you know in a kids mind denial makes it the truth, I didn’t want it to happen, so it didn’t and I would deny it. And guess what. I came pre-brainwashed not to tell, since my mother was doing her own “programming” at the time, teaching me not to tell social services that she was emotionally abusive, kept the house a mess, and only got us medical treatment because of our dad (and his insurance), and later other family members some how forcing her to.

That’s why I don’t instantly dismiss the claims that he was abused, because it’s possible. Completely possible. Kids lie easier then adults some times, especially when they are lying to protect themselves and their families or friends. And when I read the comments about how he has to be lying now, because he denied it in the past, do you know what I hear? “yeah you were right to never go to the police kathlynn, when you stopped denying it happened, because no one will believe you” So EVERYONE who automatically says that the guy is a liar is supporting rapists every where, supporting rape culture, supporting child abuse. Because you are supporting the thought that no one will believe you, and that you are a big fat liar.


that’s all, just please people stop voicing this as your first thought, Please, even if it’s true, it effects more then just this case, it effect all abuse survives



Asexual, Aromantic, Demisexual, Greysexual, Sexual. These are some of the labels I found a few years back, trying to figure out what the hell I was (sexually).

Asexual: someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction

Aromantic: someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction

Demisexual: some one who only experience sexual attraction when they have a strong romantic connection to another

Graysexuals: rarely experience sexual attraction (like maybe once or twice in their life)

What they don’t mean

they don’t mean that the person hasn’t mature, that the person hasn’t found the right person, that they don’t masturbate, or that they have been abused. Some asexual masturbate, some don’t, some have been abused, some haven’t. some might find a person in the future (but don’t count on it) but that doesn’t invalidate their sexual identity. Nor does it mean that these terms don’t exist (as defined here).

It doesn’t actually indicate whether an individual has sex, nor does an individual having sex indicate that they don’t identify with these terms. Because these labels cannot be identified by what another person perceives, rather it’s how a person feels, how they identify. Why? simply because the ability to identify as such lies solely with the person’s emotions and interpretation of those emotions. Unless you are a psychic you cannot know why some one says “I’m actually curious how sex feels”. OR the reverse. if someone says “I have no interest in having sex/dating” you do not have the right to tell them that “they just haven’t met the right person yet” you are not s psychic, don’t invalidate them. The only person who can say whether the label actually fits is them. And they are not obligated to explain their thoughts, motivation, or feelings to whom ever demands that they do, or decides that because of something they said that they don’t fit the label.

there is also the asexual elitists, who from what I’ve seen hold their own definition of asexual. Usually it’s some one who is an asexual aromantic who doesn’t experience sexual desire (doesn’t get horny) and does nothing that that person deems “sexual”. As I’m probably overly bias  about those I’ve encountered, I will say nothing more then this, except that their views hinder the ace agenda more then help it. (by the way the ace agenda is simply/essentially that we want people to know we exist, and not tell us we are mentally ill or late bloomers)


My Sexuality (and How it Affects Me)

Before I write about my perception of Asexuality I need to write about how I identify within the spectrum. I am very open and it might not be needed for reading the next blog post, so feel free to skip this.


Asexual flag

Asexual flag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


I publicly identify as an Asexual Aromantic (ace, and aro). With the emphasis on aromantic. I also have a high libido, and have been reading romance books and porn since I was like 13. Of my own volition, free will, desire.  Because of this I resisted identifying as asexual, until I heard about aromantics. Even now, I think if I were not aromantic I’d probably be demi-asexual. Because I feel that I would probably form sexual attraction if I could feel romantic attraction. That if I formed a strong emotional connection to my partner I might come to desire him/her sexually. I do not know whether I’d be hetro-romantic bi-romantic or homo-romantic though. (if I had to guess I’d probably ID as bi, I just cannot see myself as a heterosexual/romantic) .  As it is, if I could find some one I feel safe enough with, I would be curious to experiment with sex, since I’m curious about it, in spite of the fact that I’ve no desire to have sex with a specific person (the difference is my brain goes “wonder what it would feel if it were some one else hand etc not ___”, rather then “I really want to have sex/kiss/etc ___” curiosity sucks)


This has caused many other asexuals (usually referred to as asexual elitism) to tell me I am not an asexual, because I do not fit their personal definition of asexual (or aromantic). Because I do not fit many of the stereotypes. So while I identify as ace I often find that I don’t fit in with any group, because when I’m around “sexuals” I get told I need to date and have sex, despite the fact that I’ve no desire to do so. Nor do I think it would be fair for me to date another person, as I’d feel like I was lying to them. When I’m online talking to asexuals I do not find that I can associate with a lot of their experiences, or there will be a lot of elitists  and I get bashed for being true to myself, and being open about who I am. But then again, being who I am, I don’t find that I identify with people, without considering sexuality. I’m a very ‘narrow’ life and it doesn’t usually include things most people are interested in, or what they want to talk about (I read, play computer games, and play singing games on my xbox.). I generally don’t watch TV, in fact I’ve found many of the things my room-mates (having recently moved) watch obnoxious, and I just want to tell them to change the channel.



Website replies

hey everyone, thanks for reading this, following my blog, and liking my posts. I’d like to make one small request. More feedback please. Instead of just liking it, if you can please comment on it as well. I’m not going to get upset if you don’t though.

You know what gets annoying. Contacting large businesses with legitimate complaints, or suggestions, and having  them brushed off. For example, back in 2009 I pre-ordered a book well in advance. It was not shipped in a timely manner. So after two weeks (the 25th of november, the book came out on the 9th) I contacted the company I ordered it from. They shipped it the day they replied. I got the shipping confirmation just minutes before they responded. Instead of saying that they had responded to my complaint, and my book was on it’s way, they replied that my book had been shipped and they were sorry for any inconvenience. It was so formal, not personal at all. And all the responded I get are like that. Half of them ignore my issue. Like my bank I tell them that I find their display of information confusing, and that it caused me issues until I figured it out. The response, telling me what I’ve already figured out. Another time I sent a scathing complaint to Kobo, because they don’t have a shopping cart function on their site, and require you to purchase each book separately. (which has caused me to accidentally go over my free transaction limits for my bank account.) They were just like “oh, no we don’t have that feature.” I don’t have the email anymore so I can’t say more then that. But I still can’t believe how nonchalant and impersonal the reply was. I mean I understand that they need to watch what they say, for liability reasons. But they also need to be less formal, more emotion in the reply (which I know is hard to do.). Otherwise they will lose customers. The only personal responses I’ve ever gotten was from small internet based companies. Like GOG, I bought a game their, and it started to crash. I found the solution online, and contacted them so they could update their support page. The responses I got from them didn’t feel like they’d been c/p’ed out of a standard reply file, yet were very professional. It made me like and trust that company more. Where as the responses from every other company has made me trust them less, because it feels like they don’t have the customer in mind, rather the bottom line and liability.

Internet Piracy


Ok, I have to admit, while I hate doing so, I condone on-line piracy or illegal file sharing/reproducing/altering. I won’t say much about the last, because often it’s done for legit reasons. Say some one purchases an Ebook, but it’s not in a format they can use on their ereader, well they can illegally download it in a different format, or violate license terms (or law) and alter the file (at least this is what I’ve heard).

I’ll focus on piracy right now. First I know many people who actually look down on me because I try my hardest not to illegally download songs. I admit to a few instances, like using a file converter to get the music video’s version of reba’s “the night the lights when out in georgia” (which I’ve purchased on multiple CD’s it that matters), which I consider significantly better then the original song. I would have bought it if it was available/I knew how. I’ve downloaded songs of artist that I only know one song of, and my local store didn’t have it (often fairly old songs).  And yes I’ve downloaded a movie because I wanted to see it, and it wasn’t offered via netflix. So I guess the movie and song industries should complain to the local/federal police department to get a warrant for my arrest. But the biggest thing that keeps me pirating and condoning it. The disproportion of wealth in the developed world. OR in other worlds, most of the people cannot afford to, or would not, buy 90% of what they have pirated. another portion, which many have people from the first category included, pirate items, like books, that they have purchased, but do not want to pay as much or more then they would pay for a physical copy of the book, ESPECIALLY if they already own it. another owns the game they stole, but they lost the validation key, or it’s no longer compatible with their computer.

There are several things the entertainment industry can do, First, give out discounts to people who can prove that they have physically purchased these items. Or sell them in deals, like you buy a physical version of the book, you get the Ebook version free, or a coupon for a few dollars off. For books I’ve heard that it’s expensive because of all the format variants, well why the heck are they footing the bill. Make the device makers pay to have to content available, USE Calibri, OR get all the device makers to use one common format. Offer two types of license, limited use (one to a few reads) and unlimited use, have the first upgradeable, but cheaper than the unlimited use. The unlimited use should not exceed the cost of a standard paperback book (NOT one of those hardcover size books). the duo sale would be a good gimmick, sold along with hardcovers (buy the combo, get the Ebook version now, the paperback as soon as it’s released/printed). Get more authors to release their earlier, no longer in print books (use volunteers to type and edit the books?) to open domain, so that people have access to free books, and can save their money for new books. it would also promote sales on later books (I know any series that I really like, I have to buy/own ALL the books with in it).

For games, more companies need to find out what games are still being played, or in demand (TRY gog.com). update those games to be compatible with the newest systems, and sell them again, or sell updates/patches to make them compatible. Release abandoned games into open source public domain. For example, I would love to own and play Diablo I, but I don’t know how to find a new copy of it, and if I did so I don’t think it would be win7 compatible (or I’d have a heck of a time making it so). I truly think blizzard should spend a little time updating the game, maybe adding a few special extras (like auto saving, and if possible improving graphics, not redoing them, just make things sharper or what not) if they feel like it.

Music, well that’s a loaded bullet. What would make me stop downloading? the ability to listen to all the songs I wanted before purchasing them (not everything is available on-line). The ability to buy music videos (at a reasonable price). And well, being able to afford to buy all the music I want. But then again I do buy +90% of the music I have gathered on my computers over the years. What do I think would make most people stop stealing them, often more money, and well nothing. While I do it, and thus must condone it. Most people who steal are either too poor to buy the music and/or don’t give a fuck. This is where I’ve actually been told “I can’t believe you would buy ___” because, yeah, most people don’t see why people would buy music (where as I don’t see why people would steal music, but then go pay $70 on a game they will only play for a month or two, or until they wrap it.

Movies, they complain about piracy, about netflix and streaming. Well why don’t they join the bandwagon. I don’t hardly ever watch movies, or buy them. I can’t stay still long enough to watch a movie at home (I do see a few movies in theaters). My proposal would be either a monthly or $x /movie fee, where the studio offers all the movies/shows they have all the time. what’s a quick way to make money? offer people movies they can’t find anywhere else. Keep the price as low as you can, say 1 dollar a movie or $5-$20 a month, with the ability to purchase movies, for those who like to watch or own physical copies of movies (I wouldn’t be one of those.). They could also offer special editions of movies/series. Like combining all the dance scenes in the step up franchise, ’cause while I love the movies, sometimes all I wanna see it the dancing (others the plot is best). heck the soap opera industry would seriously benefit from this, ’cause they could upload all the old footage of the shows, and people could start at the beginning of the series, and see how everything changed. And I’m sure a publicist, advertiser, or a million other people could come up with other things they could do, or ways to benefit from this.

One other thing. Copy write laws. Well they need reformed. My view: people should be able to sing what ever they want, without paying for it, or being infringing in another’s rights, as long as they are not gaining money from it or claiming the lyrics as their own. Any written work should be public domain after 20 years. This includes computer programs. Unless it would risk the physical safety of people, or people’s financial information or actual identity (like computer security code, or witness protection services). I may have views on medical or scientific copy rights/patents, but that’s a slightly different matter (and I can’t remember them)