Stop (Poem)

Stop you say

Stop feeling that way,

get over the past,

don’t take it so seriously.

Stop,

I’m over reacting

taking it the wrong way

dwelling on things best forgotten

Stop means

you don’t want to apologize

Or admit to being wrong,

being held accountable for the pain you caused.

Stop,

I’m wrecking your fun

reading the truth you don’t want me to hear

making you face the truth

So stop,

please stop.

Stop, Stop, Stop saying stop!!!

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Poem

Description unavailable

  So I just wrote this poem, and I thought I would share it. It’s not the best I’ve written,    but neither is it the worst. The words

described are meant to represent mental anguish not physical pain. And I’m sorry if the large space between lines makes it hard to read, I couldn’t figure out how to prevent that.

Break, crash, smash

my heart is broken

too many pieces

no way to fit it together again

break break crash

break it again

smash it apart

show me you don’t care

break smash crash

show the truth

smash crash bang

hurt me again

dry as a desert

I cannot cry

break smash crash

my heart is destroyed

nothing left to fix

I cannot feel

breaks smash crash

I hate you

Why Youth No Longer Listen To Their Elders (Advice)

So, why does you internet savvy teen-aged child ignore your demand that they wear a jacket when it’s cold out; Ignore you advice not to drink milk while sick; Reading in dim light?

Well there are two completely different reasons. The first, they are teenagers, they want to make their own decisions. and really some of these things, just let them. It’s easier on the child-parent relationship if you do. Argue only when necessary not when ever they do things you think are wrong.

The second? You are likely wrong. With at least the above examples, there is no proof they will harm a person. I’ve gotten into the habit of always double checking anything I’m told my my grandmother and mother, the “facts” they are telling me are usually wrong. So why would we go to a likely faulty source when we have a source that is more reliable at hand? To make you feel better? Nope, I’m going with the truth, rather then facilitating more lies.

Though I do admit, you do have to be careful with the sources, since they can be wrong as well, always double or triple check anything.

Once again Emotions suck

I’ve so many posts going through my mind, but I cannot seem to grasp them when I’m at my computer. And my emotions are swirling all over the place, I’m so blah, sorta sad, but generally in a good place. But I can feel the depression there in the back of my mind, trying to push forward. The anxiety has been triggered so much I haven’t had a chance to relax (a couple small health concerns, doctors appointment soon, triggering it). My mother visiting, causing me to be constantly on my guard and pushing my buttons.

so hopefully I’ll be able to get these thoughts down in the next few weeks or months

the biggest one (and only one I can remember right now, since my mind went blank) is “why we need to change the “statutory rape” laws to “sexual-coercion” laws” (implications, wording, and keeping innocent people out of jail)

Remember, if you want my opinion on something, or have an idea for me to write (or would like for me to draw attention to your post) email me at kstruggles@hotmail.ca and I will consider it.

Emotions, They REALLY Suck Sometimes

Right now I am struggling. I want to cry, but I cannot. I mean I am literally mentally incapable of letting myself cry (yes, I self diagnosed that.), I no longer know how to let myself cry, to let the pain out. So I am left feeling like I did as a kid, I want to pick something up and swing it around, maybe hit something, I don’t know. All I do know is that I want to cry, I want to move, I want to scream as loud as I can, at the people who hurt me. I moved in with some people from work, I put a lot of my own money into moving out, thinking they would repay me. oh yeah, I put my name on the one bill we had (shaw, cable internet and phone all through them). Well those were really the only mistakes I made. I tried my best not to argue, but things didn’t go smoothly, and we did argue, or rather myself and the other female roommate did. I won’t get into what we argued about, beyond her dogs, her lack rent, and me closing the blinds on her. Because of that, she felt there was too much tension and after a few more lies, kicked me out of my own house (I was on the rental agreement, she isn’t). I let it happen because, really things cannot get better after that. She turned even bitchier, lied some more, claiming I stole from them, that I was planning on stealing from them, etc. My trust was so violated. The day they evicted me I spent $200 on things for the household, even though I wasn’t going to be there for two weeks as I was house sitting . They knew I was going to do this. They didn’t refuse it, or anything. And the note they taped on my door, made it clear that they didn’t want to discuss it.

 

You know what, I really wish I could go back to being eight years old again. Really, no responsibility, not a care in the world, my biggest decision was… umm… I got it, whether or not I was going to behave, or act out, what toys to play with. that’s sooooooo much simpler.

 

My Sexuality (and How it Affects Me)

Before I write about my perception of Asexuality I need to write about how I identify within the spectrum. I am very open and it might not be needed for reading the next blog post, so feel free to skip this.

 

Asexual flag

Asexual flag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I publicly identify as an Asexual Aromantic (ace, and aro). With the emphasis on aromantic. I also have a high libido, and have been reading romance books and porn since I was like 13. Of my own volition, free will, desire.  Because of this I resisted identifying as asexual, until I heard about aromantics. Even now, I think if I were not aromantic I’d probably be demi-asexual. Because I feel that I would probably form sexual attraction if I could feel romantic attraction. That if I formed a strong emotional connection to my partner I might come to desire him/her sexually. I do not know whether I’d be hetro-romantic bi-romantic or homo-romantic though. (if I had to guess I’d probably ID as bi, I just cannot see myself as a heterosexual/romantic) .  As it is, if I could find some one I feel safe enough with, I would be curious to experiment with sex, since I’m curious about it, in spite of the fact that I’ve no desire to have sex with a specific person (the difference is my brain goes “wonder what it would feel if it were some one else hand etc not ___”, rather then “I really want to have sex/kiss/etc ___” curiosity sucks)

 

This has caused many other asexuals (usually referred to as asexual elitism) to tell me I am not an asexual, because I do not fit their personal definition of asexual (or aromantic). Because I do not fit many of the stereotypes. So while I identify as ace I often find that I don’t fit in with any group, because when I’m around “sexuals” I get told I need to date and have sex, despite the fact that I’ve no desire to do so. Nor do I think it would be fair for me to date another person, as I’d feel like I was lying to them. When I’m online talking to asexuals I do not find that I can associate with a lot of their experiences, or there will be a lot of elitists  and I get bashed for being true to myself, and being open about who I am. But then again, being who I am, I don’t find that I identify with people, without considering sexuality. I’m a very ‘narrow’ life and it doesn’t usually include things most people are interested in, or what they want to talk about (I read, play computer games, and play singing games on my xbox.). I generally don’t watch TV, in fact I’ve found many of the things my room-mates (having recently moved) watch obnoxious, and I just want to tell them to change the channel.

 

 

reposibility and chores

Hi everyone. I want to write about a topic today, it might be hard to relate to my side.  And I know it will paint me as lazy, maybe selfish and stuff. But I hope that I will get my points across clearly so it doesn’t.

Growing up my mother never had a job, and never really kept the house clean, or assigned up chores. We did have chores at our dad’s, but weren’t ever there long enough for it to make a difference. As we got older my mother began to get upset because we didn’t keep our rooms clean, do dishes etc. And when your messy room is cleaner than the rest of the house, or you don’t have a proper storage space for your belongings you start to resent that, and well never clean up after yourself.

Truthfully, if there is a stay at home parent I do not think it should be the kids job to do any of the cleaning, except for the purpose of habit-forming and learning. Especially if the stay at home parent sits on their ass and watches TV all day, or plays on the computer or socializes. Which is what my mother did. Any chores that got done were assigned to my brother and I, which doesn’t mean that we always did them, but that they did get done. In spite of our asthma, or my brother’s allergies. (the dust from replacing cat litter for out 15 indoor cats always strongly triggered our asthma). If clothes were in our laundry bin for a year, beside the washer, it was our fault because [we exist and my mom cannot accept responsibility] we didn’t tell her. Same if the clothing was placed on the washer. “she didn’t know it was there.

I know my mother has at least on mental illness. So many of her actions are “caused” by them. But I cannot accept that to the extent that she let everything go, that it’s all mental illness. If it was just hoarding, that’d be one thing. but the blaming that went on, everything being my fault, or my responsibility. I cannot. Not when I’ve talked to other people who have it way worse for mental illness (like PTSD, DID, SI, ED) and they try to get better, rather than wallow in the problems. They work on doing something, rather than just sitting around doing nothing. And they don’t blame people for things they should have done. They also treat their mental illness once they know about it.

Besides from that, if you are at home, that is your job, taking care of the home. I’m not saying things should be spotless, that would be very hypocritical of myself (my room is a mess at this very moment). Assign the chores that you can’t get done to other family members. Don\t work yourself to the bone. But remember, while yes you do have a full-time job ( or two) taking care of the home, so does you possible spouse (if he/she doesn’t, tell them to get off their ass and get a job, or pitch in more), and any kids you have that are of school age. Especially kids of school age. Because school IS a full-time job, whether its elementary school, high school, or college. I know this is not the case for everyone, but when I was in high school, I went fairly academic, due to lack of alternative classes. Many of the science classes would give me at least one hour of homework a night, per class. same with the math. One semester I had math, biology, and chemistry. If I’d done the chemistry home work I would have had 5 hours of homework every night (I chose not to do it and just copy it from the back because I didn’t grasp the concepts and the teacher couldn’t help me understand it better… and she didn’t check the homework that often either). As it was I still have 4 hours, And I didn’t get home until 3:45-4pm, after taking the bus straight after school. So that puts away from home 7:40am- 3:45pm, homework from 4:30pm-8:30pm (if I remembered to do it, which I didn’t always, instead I’d do it in other classes). That leaves about 1.5 hours to do chores. Or relax. As someone who wasn’t in the habit of cleaning, yeah I’d choose relaxing over chores.

Now, living with my grandma, she has a little more room to complain, she keeps the house a little neater, she actually cooks supper, and washes the clothing unprompted (But then again I rarely have enough clothing to get washed on my own, else I’d pitch in there). And she works full-time. Which gains her a lot of ground. But when she expects me to help her clean the front room, or kitchen, beyond getting my stuff out of them, and collecting cans it annoys me. Because I’m not really allowed to have my things outside of my room (which is why it’s sooo messy, my room’s tiny and doesn’t have much space to organize everything). And because she will over react to the amount of stuff I have it those rooms. before I began to “live” in my room, She’d always be after me to get my books out of the front room and put them away, often it was like 5 book, once it was literally 1 book, she’s been going on and on about how my books were everywhere for a week, and I had one book in the front room (which is why it took me a week to do anything). She also judges how I do anything, so I’d cook more (and tried to, for a bit) but she’s constantly telling me to do [whatever I’m doing] differently. Or she gets upset when I don’t trust the milk, or something else we have.

I feel like, okay you want me to do more, tell me what you want me to do, a time frame (like “while I’m gone shopping”) and make sure I’m listening, and accept that I might forget and need reminded otherwise. (it’s a flaw of mine, tell me something while I’m reading, or if I have to switch my concentration too many times and I will forget (getting ready for the bus, to the bus, then through school, I’m going to forget to pick up the butter there’s at least 5 big things I’m focused on with countless other little things, and reading time).). And be consistent. You hear that advice on TV, in magazines, etc, all the time. It’s true, when you are not used to doing something, You Do NOT Think About It. While I should, I do not associate dishes being in the dishwasher meaning I should put them away (they may be dirty), or if it’s in a different spot (it moves). If it was mostly, or always done at a specific time, If I was reminded to do it when I’m not concentrating on something else, then I’d be more likely to do it. Rather then doing it occasionally and getting yelled at every few months for forgetting to. Not to say I shouldn’t try to (I do, but I’m more forgetful than the average person IMOP), or that she shouldn’t get mad at me for not putting them away.

Also people need to be clear in their expectations, things should be divided up evenly given consideration to all factors. Like age, gender, and knowledge on how to clean/cook, and free time. I say age, because if you are young you are probably be able to do more then an older person, maybe stronger as well. I say gender because truthfully, most guys are stronger than me, a female. So yeah, I’m getting the guy to mow the lawn, and I’ll take washing the dishes, type of thing, where strength may matter. Not due to actual gender stereotypes. rather personal experience.

Body Image Part One

This isn’t my actual hair color, though I wish it was. It’s the lighting.

This is going to be a two plus blog entry on body image. I’ve decided to first try and analyze how I think I came about my own body image issues. First though, I want to remind everyone that this is my own perception, and thus is only accurate to a degree. Because I won’t be able to pick out everything, or realize everything that might have affected me. I will try to do this in some order (head to toes should work best), without focusing on something more then needs be. But having read my last post, I might not be too successful ;).

The first thing I’ve ever been self-conscious about is my hair. I have auburn hair. When I was a child it was a LOT redder then it is now (last time I had it completely natural it was mostly brown). I was teased for my red hair, I wanted to dye it any color other then red. That was when I was 10. When I was 15 as an act of rebellion, and just wanting something a little different I finally dyed my hair, slightly blonder. Then when I graduated high school my hair decided to go brown, as I think of it. So the next year, still being unhappy with my hair I got it professionally dyed. The stylist refused to listen to me, and I went blond. Everyone but me loved it. But when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see “Kathlynn”. It was not my face that was looking back at me. And it’s a freaky feeling, not being able to say “yeah that’s me”. So within a month my hair was dyed red again, and since then every 6-8 months my hair gets dyed again, because it’s never red enough for my inner self. Why is this, well I accepted that my hair was red, I loved it. Then poof, within a year it was almost completely brown (to me). Even today, dyeing my hair red, I still occasionally get mistaken for a brunette. (yet my friend calls me “a little red head girl”). So it is so ingrained in myself image I cannot let it go. Heck every single story I make up has a red-head for the main female character, ’cause She is Me.

I’ve found nothing greatly wrong with my face, though I don’t like the acne scars (my own fault for picking my pimples) or how some times I feel they are getting a little chubby (and the fact that the skin on my throat is a little loose). I actually think my face is quite beautiful (and I make it so every time I paint it).

The next part of me is my Boobs, breasts, etc. Like many other females, I don’t feel mine are the size they should be. Myself I feel like they are too small. And I’m a D cup. Even though my clothes fit well, they aren’t usually loose or baggy, I feel like my breasts get hidden by my clothing. I feel like they should be more visible. This may be due to how they sit on my chest, as I’ve been told that “My boobs should not be so low at my age”, well they are at where they’ve always been at. My dissatisfaction may also stem from having a large stomach, which makes them seem smaller, and hides my curves.

After my breasts is my torso vs arms. This is the start of my biggest issue with my body. I have beautiful skinny arms. Which I used to hate. Now I don’t. But I was not without reason to dislike them. Growing up I had the hardest time putting on weight, so people thought I was too skinny (imagine being 60lbs at about 4’5”-4’7”, 10-12 years old), But I ate like a horse, or in my case, as much as my older brother did. Then my growth-spurt hit, with all the *lovely* stretch marks that now cover my body. In 1-2 years I grew 9.75 inches, gained 40-60 pounds and so on. The thing is, this is when my body decided to back fire on me and form a body that just doesn’t look right. My torso is either too long, or to short, depending on how you look at it, my hips+butt area is too long, and my legs to short. The weight I gained in the last 2 years hasn’t helped any either. I also feel like, for my bon structure I’m too wide. Because when I look at my arms, boobs, head, everything, it says “skinny” yet I’ve a wide and long torso. earlier I mentioned I have a bit of a

the reflection on the left is my attempt at capturing the ideal me. the one on the right is me basically unedited. (just smart adjusted via Photoshop)

tummy. I always have, even when I only weighted 100lb and fully grown. This exacerbates my feelings for my “trunk” because it makes it even wider and eliminates ant curves I might have had. I also get told “hold you stomach in” or have to do so myself, because my clothing never looks that good (I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about. In addition it’s why I have to buy loose shirts, ’cause otherwise my shirts will ride up and bare my stomach to the world. (it also makes me cold, and uncomfortable). Usually I can’t even wear jeans that go up to the top of my hips, because when I zip them up, or sit down, they dig into my stomach. Even though they are the correct size, or even a little loose. And if I get hiphuggers I have to wear a belt,

Why? ’cause I’ve a big long ass that causes them to fall off. And that long butt, that lasts for way too long, makes it harder to find pants I’ve tried on at least on pair of pants that left me looking very sad (they moved my butt up and to the side…). It also makes finding skits and dresses very hard (tummy included in this) because they are all designed for athletic people. Or at least people without tummies, or fat thighs. And those fat thighs, they make my legs look even shorter. So when I look in the mirror I naked see something completely different then how I look clothed. Most of my clothing help mold my body into pleasing versions of it, pants especially. When I’m not clothed I see short stubby, fat legs, hips/butt that starts too soon, and doesn’t really stop, and a torso that’s too long if you don’t consider it ending at the “waist” (belly button area), or too short if you do. My legs and body also make it hard to find clothing at the proper lengths. Shirts are too short, pants too long, and such.

Last piece. My feet. They are the ugliest part on me, they also cause me the most pain. They have to be strange, over sensitive, and malfunctioning. I’ve ‘atypical’ plantar fasciitis (because I don’t experience heel pain at all), so I’m frequently dreading taking a step, as just one can cause the rest of my steps that day to be full of pain. The ugly is just me, I don’t like the look of them. And most of my dissatisfaction with them centers around the pain they cause (besides from being constantly cold, and rough, thus irritating). Thank God for socks.

Basically, for the ideal me, at the weight I am now, I’d need to grow to about 5’7”-5’9”, keeping almost everything else the same. I assume my feet would need to grow a bit as well, and yeah, I’d still want bigger boobs. At this height I need to loose at least 20 pounds of fat, replace some of that fat with muscle, especially in the stomach and thighs (weirdest thing is, my legs are fairy strong).

There are also some physiological changes that I would make, that I could actually enact now, but I don’t because they are so culturally unusual that I doubt I’d be able to get a job. First, I’d like a few more piercings, like ears and eyebrows. Maybe a belly button ring. Not so bad, but I’d like some tattoos, though I don’t know of what yet. And biggest thing, I’d like to wear face paint everyday, like have my face covered in it. Because my body is my canvas, and it’s beautiful. But everyone would think I’m a whack job. I’d also like to wear corsets and other gothic apparel, because it fits my personality. And the only place I can imagine getting these wants from, my historical fiction and TV shows, showing how awesome looking a tiny waist can be. Because I’ve had an obsession with wearing a corset since I was like 14, and I’ve loved face paint for as long as I can remember, though I only recently rediscovered it as an adult.

Internet Piracy

 

Ok, I have to admit, while I hate doing so, I condone on-line piracy or illegal file sharing/reproducing/altering. I won’t say much about the last, because often it’s done for legit reasons. Say some one purchases an Ebook, but it’s not in a format they can use on their ereader, well they can illegally download it in a different format, or violate license terms (or law) and alter the file (at least this is what I’ve heard).

I’ll focus on piracy right now. First I know many people who actually look down on me because I try my hardest not to illegally download songs. I admit to a few instances, like using a file converter to get the music video’s version of reba’s “the night the lights when out in georgia” (which I’ve purchased on multiple CD’s it that matters), which I consider significantly better then the original song. I would have bought it if it was available/I knew how. I’ve downloaded songs of artist that I only know one song of, and my local store didn’t have it (often fairly old songs).  And yes I’ve downloaded a movie because I wanted to see it, and it wasn’t offered via netflix. So I guess the movie and song industries should complain to the local/federal police department to get a warrant for my arrest. But the biggest thing that keeps me pirating and condoning it. The disproportion of wealth in the developed world. OR in other worlds, most of the people cannot afford to, or would not, buy 90% of what they have pirated. another portion, which many have people from the first category included, pirate items, like books, that they have purchased, but do not want to pay as much or more then they would pay for a physical copy of the book, ESPECIALLY if they already own it. another owns the game they stole, but they lost the validation key, or it’s no longer compatible with their computer.

There are several things the entertainment industry can do, First, give out discounts to people who can prove that they have physically purchased these items. Or sell them in deals, like you buy a physical version of the book, you get the Ebook version free, or a coupon for a few dollars off. For books I’ve heard that it’s expensive because of all the format variants, well why the heck are they footing the bill. Make the device makers pay to have to content available, USE Calibri, OR get all the device makers to use one common format. Offer two types of license, limited use (one to a few reads) and unlimited use, have the first upgradeable, but cheaper than the unlimited use. The unlimited use should not exceed the cost of a standard paperback book (NOT one of those hardcover size books). the duo sale would be a good gimmick, sold along with hardcovers (buy the combo, get the Ebook version now, the paperback as soon as it’s released/printed). Get more authors to release their earlier, no longer in print books (use volunteers to type and edit the books?) to open domain, so that people have access to free books, and can save their money for new books. it would also promote sales on later books (I know any series that I really like, I have to buy/own ALL the books with in it).

For games, more companies need to find out what games are still being played, or in demand (TRY gog.com). update those games to be compatible with the newest systems, and sell them again, or sell updates/patches to make them compatible. Release abandoned games into open source public domain. For example, I would love to own and play Diablo I, but I don’t know how to find a new copy of it, and if I did so I don’t think it would be win7 compatible (or I’d have a heck of a time making it so). I truly think blizzard should spend a little time updating the game, maybe adding a few special extras (like auto saving, and if possible improving graphics, not redoing them, just make things sharper or what not) if they feel like it.

Music, well that’s a loaded bullet. What would make me stop downloading? the ability to listen to all the songs I wanted before purchasing them (not everything is available on-line). The ability to buy music videos (at a reasonable price). And well, being able to afford to buy all the music I want. But then again I do buy +90% of the music I have gathered on my computers over the years. What do I think would make most people stop stealing them, often more money, and well nothing. While I do it, and thus must condone it. Most people who steal are either too poor to buy the music and/or don’t give a fuck. This is where I’ve actually been told “I can’t believe you would buy ___” because, yeah, most people don’t see why people would buy music (where as I don’t see why people would steal music, but then go pay $70 on a game they will only play for a month or two, or until they wrap it.

Movies, they complain about piracy, about netflix and streaming. Well why don’t they join the bandwagon. I don’t hardly ever watch movies, or buy them. I can’t stay still long enough to watch a movie at home (I do see a few movies in theaters). My proposal would be either a monthly or $x /movie fee, where the studio offers all the movies/shows they have all the time. what’s a quick way to make money? offer people movies they can’t find anywhere else. Keep the price as low as you can, say 1 dollar a movie or $5-$20 a month, with the ability to purchase movies, for those who like to watch or own physical copies of movies (I wouldn’t be one of those.). They could also offer special editions of movies/series. Like combining all the dance scenes in the step up franchise, ’cause while I love the movies, sometimes all I wanna see it the dancing (others the plot is best). heck the soap opera industry would seriously benefit from this, ’cause they could upload all the old footage of the shows, and people could start at the beginning of the series, and see how everything changed. And I’m sure a publicist, advertiser, or a million other people could come up with other things they could do, or ways to benefit from this.

One other thing. Copy write laws. Well they need reformed. My view: people should be able to sing what ever they want, without paying for it, or being infringing in another’s rights, as long as they are not gaining money from it or claiming the lyrics as their own. Any written work should be public domain after 20 years. This includes computer programs. Unless it would risk the physical safety of people, or people’s financial information or actual identity (like computer security code, or witness protection services). I may have views on medical or scientific copy rights/patents, but that’s a slightly different matter (and I can’t remember them)