Sexual Identity

Sexual identity is a really good term. Sadly it doesn’t mean what I think it should mean. it just means the sexual orientation you present to the world, regardless or your actions. The thing is, your actions don’t dictate orientation. So to me it’s pointless. But I love the term, and to me (since I didn’t know what it meant until I looked it up) it covers much more then your orientation.

To me your sexual identity encompasses everything that affects your sexual preferences. I mean there are parts of one’s sexuality that are not or shouldn’t be considered an orientation (I.E. fetishes, Polyamoury, touch preferences, etc). That doesn’t mean they aren’t vital to how you experience your sexuality. But as we are expanding (thank goodness) our sexual vocabulary, creating new and better labels, we need to think of new terms or re-purpose old ones to fit the needs of the world. One’s sexual identity is a complex thing, not necessarily something you share or that people can tell just from looking at you or seeing your partner. It would include all fetishes, relationship styles, sexual orientation, romantic orientation, libido status, willingness to have sex at the very least.  Though like one’s orientation it wouldn’t be something that is constrained by your actions, but rather self identifying these parts of your life.

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Letter To Myself

You know about those letter you are supposed to write yourself, to your past self, to change something or what ever. This is one of those. Well actually it’s one post with multiple letters

Dear Kathlynn

congratulations you have finished Gr.5. you know that thing you are denying? tell some one. Please. I know you don’t want to believe it’s wrong. You don’t want to believe your daddy would do it. But he is. Tell an important person. But not your mommy, she might not believe you. Tell your teacher, or grandma T. You telling is a good thing. And if you don’t tell, that’s okay too. But I want you to know that it is wrong, it is happening, and there are people around who would help you. And those emotions you are feeling tell some one about them. Not your mommy she will deny them. Not your family either. Tell a teacher. They are not normal. Though your fear of spiders and crossing roads are understandable.

Also you are a wonderful awesome person. I wish I was still like you. Also, please study, please? pretty please? you will buy yourself books and chocolate if you do!

Your older, wiser self.

 

Dear Kathlynn

Hurray, you just started gr.9. Please tell someone. You are depressed. You do need the treatment you want. The attention you don’t think you have the right to demand. Your mother is the bitch you are starting to think of her as. And, while it’s hard, try to push yourself past your learned fear of social services and get out of that house. you will thank me for it. They can place you with your family or a nice family else where (remember N). It will do you good. Your mother is depressed as well. That doesn’t excuse her behaviour, but you are right, there is something wrong with her. Please get help. Your mom will just deny it, but maybe if you tell someone else you will get the help you need. Also, Study you idiot. There is still time to learn how. You will thank yourself a lot sooner then you think.

Your, older wiser self

Dear Kathlynn

Congratulations you just finished gr.11. Do not take that job at Huskey. Don’t, it’s not worth it, in any way. You will regret it. Go to grandma’s with some resumes and try to get a job there. Maybe you’ll even get to stay there. Also don’t bother taking that test in biology next year, you are going to fail it, ’cause you never studied. And don’t put off applying for schools. Go for your dreams as soon as you can, because if you don’t you won’t have the courage to do them in the future.

Also, your feelings, they aren’t normal, please get help. Please, you need it.

your sadder self

Dear Kathlynn

Thank you, thank you so much for getting help. I know why we didn’t go sooner. But it will get better. The glow will dim, but the numbness? it is a sign of depression. I know right, why didn’t they tell us that in school? But it will go away, for at least 3 years. But now, now you need to focus on getting better. And getting your license so you can boogie out of grandma’s. It’s not going to be good for much longer. Go before you are trapped there. Also, Ter is awesome, Wile Tra and LD suck. Do not stay in the sorority. It’s not worth it. Really it’s going to get bad, and it’s not worth it. This year will be awesome, but the next one will suck. Remember the church group, yeah it will be just like that. except with judgemental bitches, who cannot accept you for who you are.

 

Remembering Myself

So, I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. I have at least mostly gotten past my depression. I still struggle with my anxiety. Which is my own fault as I’m not really doing anything to get over it. But otherwise I’m feeling the best I have since I was 10. Yup 14 years of struggling through depression. almost 24 years of suffering with anxiety. So most of my memories are tainted by the emotions triggered by (or triggering) my depression and anxiety. Sometimes, remembering the past is fine. I hate how much I dwell on it, but There isn’t really much I can do, besides avoid talking about it. Which I do (when I can control that impulse). Other times, usually when I’m more reflective, I think back and I can still feel the depression feelings. And it scares me, really scares me. To know I felt that hopeless, that confused. And I hate it. It triggers my anxiety; I’m terrified that my depression will come back, and that this time I won’t get help. That I will be too hurt, too broken, too depressed to get help. Or if I do they won’t help me, or it won’t work. Generally I can ignore the feeling that it’s right out there on the edge of my conscience waiting to pounce. Waiting for me to get weak again. But when I think of the past I can’t ignore it, because the feelings, they don’t feel old then, they feel fresh, my mind brings them back, and it makes me want to cry. It’s scary, to me it really is.

English: An anxious person

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

^this is totally how I’m feeling right now^

People’s Responces to Uncommon Sexual Orientations

Sexuality confusion

Sexuality confusion (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So lately I’ve been discussing my sexual orientation with others. And not just my own, but sexual orientation in general. The biggest thing I’ve noticed is how uninformed people are.  How judgemental they are.

This also comes with an announcement, sort-of, I completely self Identify as an aromantic demisexual (before I was just going “well maybe”). Publicly it will remain aromantic asexual, I don’t feel like explaining that I intrinsically know that if I were able to develop deep lasting romantic bonds I would/could experience sexual attraction. I don’t want to confuse people more then I already do by identifying as a asexual (who happens to have a libido).

How does this relate to the discussion of sexual orientation? Demisexuality comes under fire a lot. Sexuals refuse to understand that when we say “yeah, if I form a bond with some one I might become sexually attracted to them”. They then like to claim we don’t understand sexuals and are offending them. Why? Because obviously we are assuming they are attracted to everybody who fits their sexual identity. Or because we are supposedly over estimating the number of people they are attracted to. The thing is, even if at this current time you are only attracted to 5 people that is more then any gray ace or demi will be attracted to at one time,  Maybe even more then their whole life time.

Which is why they are included in the asexual spectrum which people argue against. In fact today someone told me that “they aren’t asexuals and they aren’t sexuals” and that is how I should explain it . But it’s not that simple. Sexuality is a spectrum, Check out the Kinsey scale for that. Asexuality is the same.

Another problem I find is people looking down on others for having a romantic orientation. Why? either because they don’t feel it’s necessary (they think that heteroromantics should identify as heterosexual for example, or someone who is heterosexual homoromantic should identify as bisexual). The other group do not realize (or I hope they don’t)  that they also experience romantic attraction, and do not like it when asexuals compare sexual attraction to romantic attraction with equal weight given to each. Both groups feel like it’s only the sexual orientation that matters. Well so long as they think that the orientation is valid.

I wish educating people was easier. I wish I didn’t experience just as much hate, discrimination, and ignorance from the LGBT community as I do from the heterosexual community. But I am only one person. I just hope one day this will change, and people will respect asexuality more then they do now.

Asexuality

Asexual, Aromantic, Demisexual, Greysexual, Sexual. These are some of the labels I found a few years back, trying to figure out what the hell I was (sexually).

Asexual: someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction

Aromantic: someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction

Demisexual: some one who only experience sexual attraction when they have a strong romantic connection to another

Graysexuals: rarely experience sexual attraction (like maybe once or twice in their life)

What they don’t mean

they don’t mean that the person hasn’t mature, that the person hasn’t found the right person, that they don’t masturbate, or that they have been abused. Some asexual masturbate, some don’t, some have been abused, some haven’t. some might find a person in the future (but don’t count on it) but that doesn’t invalidate their sexual identity. Nor does it mean that these terms don’t exist (as defined here).

It doesn’t actually indicate whether an individual has sex, nor does an individual having sex indicate that they don’t identify with these terms. Because these labels cannot be identified by what another person perceives, rather it’s how a person feels, how they identify. Why? simply because the ability to identify as such lies solely with the person’s emotions and interpretation of those emotions. Unless you are a psychic you cannot know why some one says “I’m actually curious how sex feels”. OR the reverse. if someone says “I have no interest in having sex/dating” you do not have the right to tell them that “they just haven’t met the right person yet” you are not s psychic, don’t invalidate them. The only person who can say whether the label actually fits is them. And they are not obligated to explain their thoughts, motivation, or feelings to whom ever demands that they do, or decides that because of something they said that they don’t fit the label.

there is also the asexual elitists, who from what I’ve seen hold their own definition of asexual. Usually it’s some one who is an asexual aromantic who doesn’t experience sexual desire (doesn’t get horny) and does nothing that that person deems “sexual”. As I’m probably overly bias  about those I’ve encountered, I will say nothing more then this, except that their views hinder the ace agenda more then help it. (by the way the ace agenda is simply/essentially that we want people to know we exist, and not tell us we are mentally ill or late bloomers)

 

My Sexuality (and How it Affects Me)

Before I write about my perception of Asexuality I need to write about how I identify within the spectrum. I am very open and it might not be needed for reading the next blog post, so feel free to skip this.

 

Asexual flag

Asexual flag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I publicly identify as an Asexual Aromantic (ace, and aro). With the emphasis on aromantic. I also have a high libido, and have been reading romance books and porn since I was like 13. Of my own volition, free will, desire.  Because of this I resisted identifying as asexual, until I heard about aromantics. Even now, I think if I were not aromantic I’d probably be demi-asexual. Because I feel that I would probably form sexual attraction if I could feel romantic attraction. That if I formed a strong emotional connection to my partner I might come to desire him/her sexually. I do not know whether I’d be hetro-romantic bi-romantic or homo-romantic though. (if I had to guess I’d probably ID as bi, I just cannot see myself as a heterosexual/romantic) .  As it is, if I could find some one I feel safe enough with, I would be curious to experiment with sex, since I’m curious about it, in spite of the fact that I’ve no desire to have sex with a specific person (the difference is my brain goes “wonder what it would feel if it were some one else hand etc not ___”, rather then “I really want to have sex/kiss/etc ___” curiosity sucks)

 

This has caused many other asexuals (usually referred to as asexual elitism) to tell me I am not an asexual, because I do not fit their personal definition of asexual (or aromantic). Because I do not fit many of the stereotypes. So while I identify as ace I often find that I don’t fit in with any group, because when I’m around “sexuals” I get told I need to date and have sex, despite the fact that I’ve no desire to do so. Nor do I think it would be fair for me to date another person, as I’d feel like I was lying to them. When I’m online talking to asexuals I do not find that I can associate with a lot of their experiences, or there will be a lot of elitists  and I get bashed for being true to myself, and being open about who I am. But then again, being who I am, I don’t find that I identify with people, without considering sexuality. I’m a very ‘narrow’ life and it doesn’t usually include things most people are interested in, or what they want to talk about (I read, play computer games, and play singing games on my xbox.). I generally don’t watch TV, in fact I’ve found many of the things my room-mates (having recently moved) watch obnoxious, and I just want to tell them to change the channel.

 

 

List of Things I plan on writing about

So I’m finding it hard to write blog posts, for personal reasons. Hopefully this will change in the future. I don’t plan on stopping. Not at all. In fact this post is to let you know what I’m thinking of tackling, and maybe get some resources from anyone who sees this page.

I’ve been trying to tackle this one since my “what is mental illness to me” posts, but I haven’t been able to find the words- What is wrong about how diagnosing mental illness is done and handled. (done)

Driving, Specific to the laws in BC Canada, but I will be touching on some other things. Like people thinking that 18/19 is too young too young for driving age of consent.(http://autos.ca.msn.com/columnist/annette-mcleod/why-arent-we-talking-about-raising-the-driving-age)

Asexuality, Aromantics, and how we are treated by society. (done)

And other things I may add as I remember them.

maybe even another song or two.

Thank you for stopping by, and hope you will visit again and check out my next post.

 

poetry

occasionally I’m compelled to write my emotions out in poetry (would be song and music, but alas I don’t know how to write more than the words) I wanted to share a poem I wrote a while back, about asexuality and aromantics

I do not share you desire
I do not need what you need,
for myself I seek not
the contentment you find in another
whether their body or love
I do share your desire
I do need what you need
for myself I do seek
the contentment found in another
but through friends ships and family
through sharing their life and sharing mine
I do not, cannot connect
romantically, sexually, either way
I would not be true to myself is I put it any other way
if I let you think I swung that way,
or anyway at all
I may love, but as a friend, or as family.
but never as a lover or a partner.
I do not limit myself,
rather I set myself free,
when I say:
I am aromantic!
I am asexual!

please share your opinions