Carnival of Aces: 3 Things to Remember When Questioning Your Identity

Flying While Falling Down

Movement

It’s been almost two years since I started identifying as an aromantic asexual. I’m enjoying spending time with myself in a whole new way and loving the new sides of myself that are revealed as I get older. In my relationships with others, I’m more forthright than I’ve ever been. I stand up for myself and let myself feel and communicate my wants and needs. Through the label of aromantic asexual, I’m having a conversation with myself that I hope will never end.

But, it wasn’t always easy.

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Things No One Seems to Understand

What it’s like to be dependent on others for wheels, for things beyond shopping.

How hard/impossible it is to make commitments when you aren’t vehicle independent.

How hard/impossible it is to make commitments when you work a full time job, and your schedule/shifts change every weeks.

That even knowing your schedule doesn’t mean it won’t change even a day before the shift.

Which makes it impossible to get involved in the community.

What it’s like to ask people for help, when you are afraid you are asking too much or too frequently.

Even if you never ask.

What it’s like to worry that someone just feels sorry for you, and that’s why they won’t hang out with you, even when you know that is 90% unlikely. Or how to stop asking, if you think it might be true.

What it’s like to look at the phone, knowing  you have an important phone call to make, but can’t physically make yourself pick it up. Because you know, it’s not that hard to beat anxiety. Everyone is a little anxious at making phone calls…

What it’s like to be afraid of the future, because you might loose your sense of worth. And that sends you spiraling.

Racial Colorblindness

Racially color blind. A seemingly good idea, which has been missed used to hide racism. When I first hear the term, the context was treating people equally, no matter what their skin color was. This might have been an isolated indecent. Now people use it to invalidate the experiences of Non-Caucasians (PoC/People of Color). Or to claim their treatment of a person wasn’t racist.

Racial colorblindness it’s about how people treat or react to other people. But it should also be a person doing their best to recognize and neutralize all their racial biases. To identity why they react negatively when they see someone, and why they react positively. And removing that reaction, when the reaction isn’t just. To acknowledging other people’s cultures, and respecting them and their experiences. And accepting that others know their situation better then you do, or can. Or treating people with kindness, instead of suspicion. Basically not Othering people based on their skin tone.

The Original Lesson,

So, I wrote this months ago, on another site. I thought I’d posted it here, and I am posting it here so I don’t loose it. The topic was about where entitlement and privilege start.

So, now my thoughts. They are mostly subjective, based on those I’ve experienced, and all the random articles I’ve read. I truthfully think that, yeah the way we raise our children is one of this biggest factors in forming a persons entitlement. But some times it’s also a balancing game (like if you always stop your kids from fighting over a toy, and choose the “you need to share time” then three ideas might form, one that if someone wants something you have to give it to them, second that if someone doesn’t share they are bad, and third that people need to give you what ever you want. If you take the time to teach your children that sometimes you need to share (like not hog the toys), but the person who has it first (or owns it) has the right not to share/play by themselves, you will teach that sharing is important but so is respecting boundaries/another person’s wishes). Other times it’s not, like with my mom I had to give her my change from my lunch money, but my brother didn’t (taught favoritism, sexism, and played into my brother’s level of entitlement).

I think this is also part of how you can raise two children in one household and get completely different people. With each child getting different treatment (when not actually based on their personalities), they are taught different things. Or the message they receive from certain incidences are different. between siblings. Like when my older and bigger brother “accidentally” jump kicked me in the stomach.(I don’t think it was an accident) All my brother had to do was apologize. And even though I was still in pain, and upset at the incident I was forced to accept his apology. I got yelled at for not accepting it. (okay he did get yelled at too.). where as, once when I was really upset and sent to my room I released that emotion by swinging a heavy board on my bed. It slipped out of my hands and broke a ceiling fan. I got in a lot more trouble (even though I was only 7 or 8 at the time). (parent view, I threw a temper tantrum, and broke stuff. My view. These items should not have been in my room, especially since the ceiling fan was on the floor or near it; so while I was wrong to swing the board around, I wasn’t screaming, but I needed to get my emotions out. And I wasn’t old enough or in the right state of mind to think of the consequences. And when faced with the consequences I was extremely upset at myself, and extremely sorry.). My punishment was more severe. I was kept in my room until my brother reminded my mom we needed supper (I think I might have fallen asleep, since hours seemed to pass fast, and I didn’t have much to do in my room). Then she made food I hate, even though I told her. (her excuse was because of the time. french toast takes just as long or longer then hashbrowns).
These incidents taught me that, a) I hate being forced to forgive anyone anything (and I refuse to, even to diffuse a tough situation) b) my brother wasn’t (held) responsible for his actions. c) my mom doesn’t care about me. d)  I’m worth less then [insert object/pet/person of choice e) If I do something wrong (even if it’s by accident) I will get into a lot trouble). f) my pain/emotions/preferences aren’t important. Not that these are the only incidents that taught me this, but it’s just one of the clearest examples.
What my brother might have learned. a) saying sorry will fix anything b) sister isn’t important c) he can ask for things that his sister won’t get (this one is frequently backed up with stronger proof). d) saying it wasn’t on purpose makes things better, and you’ll get in less trouble (if any at all).
Of course I’m very biased on this, since my brother was the favored kid, and I wasn’t.

Favourtism in The Family

My family loves favouritism. No truthfully, there is so much favouritism it’s sickening to me. Of course, I’m the one who isn’t favoured. And I know some of it might not even be intentional (like my uncle giving my brother a CD with graduation pictures on it, and not me. Because it was two years later and his life was much busier). But that doesn’t make it easier to accept, or less painful. I won’t outline everything here, because I’m sure I’ve covered it in other topics, and it’s going to come up again, when I start my next series of posts. But it is one of the biggest reasons my hurt and anger extends past my parents and grandma. Why my brother and I are so different. Why our opinions are so different. (that and the fact he’s male and has white male privilege x100).

 

p.s. my next series of posts are going to be examining my memories, the ones that still upset me, as I remember them, and explaining the messages that I might have learned from them. I’ve done this with two, and found it extremely helpful. Because it spot-lighted something I didn’t see before.

Three New Favourite Songs

A few months ago a co-worker introduced me to Christina Perri’s song “Human”. And I liked it, as it symbolized how I feel like I am frequently walking on eggshells, with my mental state. As well as symbolizing the demands my mother made on me/my health. Last week I listened to it for the better part of a day (I get obsessive with books and songs that let me release my built up pain.). So I decided to look up some of her other songs. And I fell in love with two more songs (which I’ve been listening to for a day now, and I don’t know when I’m going to stop). In fact I had to go into town just to buy the CD’s. The other two songs are “Sad Song” an “Jar of Hearts”. Sad Song seems to be about a college aged woman who feels like she did something wrong to her (boy?)friend, because she is immature.  To me it’s showing how we make children take more blame then they deserve, or an abusive parent or spouse/friend/boyfriend (given the line “I wish it wasn’t always my fault” and those around it). Jar of Broken Hearts is about a horrible boyfriend, who destroyed the singer’s heart. Of course as the coupled relationship doesn’t apply to me it signifies my relationship to my family. “Who do think you are, running around and leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts” means the scars and damage my family did to me, and how they deny it. But who were they to do that to me.

So, yeah, been working out the pain, and wanted to share the three most recent songs to help me with that.

Poem

Description unavailable

  So I just wrote this poem, and I thought I would share it. It’s not the best I’ve written,    but neither is it the worst. The words

described are meant to represent mental anguish not physical pain. And I’m sorry if the large space between lines makes it hard to read, I couldn’t figure out how to prevent that.

Break, crash, smash

my heart is broken

too many pieces

no way to fit it together again

break break crash

break it again

smash it apart

show me you don’t care

break smash crash

show the truth

smash crash bang

hurt me again

dry as a desert

I cannot cry

break smash crash

my heart is destroyed

nothing left to fix

I cannot feel

breaks smash crash

I hate you