Happy Update (anxiety thought triggers)

So, I have these pills. I refer to them as my “Magic Happy Pills”. And no they aren’t illegal drugs. I don’t get them from a illegal drug dealer. They are low dose anti-depressants (citalopram), and I got the prescription  from my doctor, and got them from a legal drug dealer. One of the local pharmacists. (sorry I couldn’t help it). At least that’s the short story.

The long story is that I finally started to realize how much my anxiety was effecting my life. How many decisions I couldn’t make, that I needed to make asap, because of it. I was almost at the end of my rope, though I didn’t realize it. And I was also realizing, that no, my emotional disconnect probably wasn’t normal (left over from depression). But I couldn’t call, stupid phone-phobia/etc., I had to find some other way to get to my doctor’s. So I mention it to someone at work, she claims she’ll do it, but another coworker ends up phoning the doctor for me (hey I did write out what to say, and get the number). I go into the doctor’s and he asks me a few questions (including the “well why are you getting help now” question that pisses me off), asked me what treatment I wanted, then poof I got my prescription and at the end of the week I started taking my “magic happy pills”.

I am fairly in touch with my brain, and how it feels, so I noticed something fairly quickly. Might just be placibo, but I have no way of knowing. The first two days, while nothing changed, my brain felt different, like it was getting strengthened, more support, or something. Things started to connect to each better (how I think it fits best), which lead me to feel a bit more energy (and I was nervous), and made it hard to sleep (even though a side effect is sleepiness). I also saw a tiny increase in my ability to focus. By the third day I had noticable results, I could climb ladders without being terrified of falling, stand on counter tops without thinking that I was going to break my neck. And my emotions returned. Like, they weren’t gone before, they were closer then when I was in a full depressive episode, but they were still not there, I had to think hard to know what my general mood was, or my mood at all most times (short bursts of happy/sad/angry/mad excluded). These made me so happy I couldn’t shut up about my beautiful wonderful magic happy pills for a month (even now, occasionally I climb something and go “oh yeah look at me I’m not terrified).

Did it remove it completely? No, and while I had a 99% improvement so fast, part of it was because I cautious in testing myself, so my initial response wasn’t completely accurate. But my improvement is still in the 90% rate. How it worked on me is hard to explain. Most of my anxiety is gone, but I still have a few issues, where it’s still like 7-9 (phones…..), but it’s like a 4-6 was pre-meds to do. like, all the simple anxiety (like fear of  hights) is gone, occasionally I still have the bad thought patterns, but those are like “big whoop” and it’s gone. Some are rational anxiety, so harder to deal with. Then there is phoning and planning my future. I would still prefer to waste gas and time to avoid making important phone calls. Now some of the main thoughts for this are logical/acceptable – before they weren’t. Which makes it harder to deal with on one side. The other is that this issue is so large and complex of course the meds couldn’t do much for it. So it still feels as massive as it did before. The difference is, I can make the phone calls. And I did, twice. Though I did pass one off to my grandma (it was just a price check with her mechanic), it wasn’t due to my anxiety. Because I was finally able to figure out how I’m going to approach my future:

1) get a car

1.5) learn to drive

2) get my N

3) get better job

4) pay of car loan/save money

5) go to school/move out (job, pharmacy tech)

6) go to school/move out (which ever wasn’t step 5)

7) say good bye to family. (may occur anytime before, between, or after steps 5/6)

8) save for retirement and enjoy life


Remembering Myself

So, I don’t know if anyone else feels this way. I have at least mostly gotten past my depression. I still struggle with my anxiety. Which is my own fault as I’m not really doing anything to get over it. But otherwise I’m feeling the best I have since I was 10. Yup 14 years of struggling through depression. almost 24 years of suffering with anxiety. So most of my memories are tainted by the emotions triggered by (or triggering) my depression and anxiety. Sometimes, remembering the past is fine. I hate how much I dwell on it, but There isn’t really much I can do, besides avoid talking about it. Which I do (when I can control that impulse). Other times, usually when I’m more reflective, I think back and I can still feel the depression feelings. And it scares me, really scares me. To know I felt that hopeless, that confused. And I hate it. It triggers my anxiety; I’m terrified that my depression will come back, and that this time I won’t get help. That I will be too hurt, too broken, too depressed to get help. Or if I do they won’t help me, or it won’t work. Generally I can ignore the feeling that it’s right out there on the edge of my conscience waiting to pounce. Waiting for me to get weak again. But when I think of the past I can’t ignore it, because the feelings, they don’t feel old then, they feel fresh, my mind brings them back, and it makes me want to cry. It’s scary, to me it really is.

English: An anxious person

English: An anxious person (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

^this is totally how I’m feeling right now^