English: Emotions Q-sort (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Why do I complain so much.? Why can’t I let go of the past? Why do some things bug me until I discuss them with multiple people? Why do I double guess most of the stuff I do? I don’t really know. At least not completely, and any answer could be unreliable. But I am beginning to think that it’s at least partially caused by my inability to trust my reactions to events. And if that doesn’t make sense, I’ll try to explain. Through out my childhood, and even now, I’ve been told certain reactions were unacceptable. And some of these reactions were reasonable , Combine this with my anxiety, and later depression, and you have someone who was taught, maybe not on purpose, that they cannot trust their gut instincts, their logic.
Then add in a controlling parent, who makes you ask to do anything. Or at least, I did, if only to try and prevent getting yelled at, and this might have been my anxiety making my mother’s reactions worse,. But that was the reality, If I was worried that she would forget something and I reminded her (and my grandma is the same), she would get pissed. Yet then she would get pissed and say it was my own fault if she forgot. Or I would say I wanted to do something (FREE) and she would claim that we would do it, and purposefully arrange it so we couldn’t claiming “she didn’t think I actually wanted to”.
And even if it were not words, I’m constantly fidgeting, So much so it irritates my family and people around me. I can try to control the larger ‘episodes’, but to do so is to suppress the emotions I feel (not that I always know the exact emotion or thought). And after being depressed, and being unable to really feel my emotions (which still aren’t 100% there, I think) I can’t do that constantly. It actually makes me feel sad. But as a child I was constantly corrected, told to stop fidgeting by my mother, even when other children would have been able to fidget (like during a musical performance at school).
So now I immediately question any action I do, or reaction I have. I question my right to do things. I ‘need’ constant reaffirmation (and I hate it that I do) that the past was as bad as I think it was. And at the same time, my reliving the past, it’s to show that my mother isn’t a good person, and that’s why I can’t have her in my life (which is another choice that I need reaffirmation on). Because I either don’t trust my internal compass, or in some cases, I’m not getting a reading from it at all.