I wrote this at the end of November, and I still find that I agree with it, I thought I would share it, so people might know what the person is thinking of when they say “they won’t understand/care” or “I’ll get into trouble for it” (self injury).
you can never guess how another persons’ people (everyone in their life) will react when faced with the news of mental illness. I’ve heard of people getting into trouble because they were self harming. Myself, the one time I was suicidal, my mom found the note I’d made, after I was no longer suicidal. she treated me so badly, it still upsets me, she wasn’t concerned about me, how I felt, she mentioned the abuse I’d mentioned in it (double sided, I meant both parents, but claimed I’d only meant her). I got into trouble because I was in so much mental anguish I though it would never get better (and guess what…… it hasn’t). but back on topic. this post is about what would happen (in my mind) if I ever told my mom to her face to stay away from me, that I am cutting her out of my life. (also I didn’t check it for punctuation or capitalization, sorry.)
“mom I hate you,” I say sadly “I want you to stay away and never talk to me again”
“why, I’ve never done anything wrong, I’ve always been there for you, helped you as much as I could” she all but yells.
“yes you have. you’ve NEVER been there for me, you never supported me, you blamed me for everything, you treated me as a second class entity, worth less then even the plant you had.” I cried “you controlled my life too much, you still try to. you eroded my confidence, make me feel stupid, worthless, and utterly unwanted. you made me feel like I cannot do anything for myself, yet made me feel like shit when I can’t/couldn’t do something. and I cannot put up with it anymore. so I’m cutting you out from my life. like a a fungus. I love you but you hurt me too much”
I walk away know she’s going to come after me not let me leave until I’m a cry heap on the floor, trying to make me change my mind. and I’m not let down, she grabs my arm, starts yelling at me
“do you think it’s been easy raising you on my own, easy for me to give up everything for you, sacrifice my life for you. you are completely selfish, you always have been.”
“so, you had a choice, and you just proved my point. let go of me now” I yelled crying, her grip on my arm hurt “you’ve never thought about me, and I never say you sacrifice anything for me, never. for Lorne, maybe you did. but me, I’m a worthless piece of shit, the one you hate, the one you could barely love.” I tried to pull my arm free “let go of me now”
I’m facing her now, so she slaps me hard across the face, I can feel it sting. luckily she doesn’t wear jewelry, or I’d probably be bleeding. “you don’t know what you’re talking about” she is ferrous, she cannot understand because she thinks she is perfect, that she has never made a mistake. I am ferrous, I want to leave, bet she won’t let me, I’m in pain, my temper snaps
“yes I do. I’ve lived with it for over 20 years. lived been treated worse then the cats, who you at least made sure they had food. you have always spoiled the cats, yet once I it 13 you never showed me one speck of compassion, everything I got was begrudged, like pulling a dog away from his favorite toy. I was an after though, the person you had complete control of, I mean I couldn’t even have a privet phone call, you were always there. you always treated me like a kid, I mean even when I was 18, you told me “this is an adult conversation, go away” yet you expected me to take the responsibility of an adult ones that were still yours, like doctor appointments, since you would have to get me there, or feeding me since I was broke. and the double standard, Lorne getting to keep the change, but I always had to give it back. or how about the fact that you would do things for Lorne that you wouldn’t do for me. how about the fact that you literally turned everything away from you, and made it my fault. dirty house, my fault even though you had more time then I did to clean, no one likes me they treat me like crap, my fault, even though I cannot control how people react. my fault some of the plants died, I should have watered them. not my responsibility, and why couldn’t you”
the tear are filling my eyes. I want to leave, I do not want her to see me cry. she would not understand. I need to leave, to get as far away from her as I can. But still she will not let me go.
“you are wrong” she says, hurting my ears with from being so close. she is very scary now. “I’ve never treated you like that, and you needed to learn to be responsible. and it was your fault that those things never got done, you never helped out, you never cleaned.”
“mom, you’ll never get it. you will never understand the pain I’m in, the damage you’ve caused me. and we will never agree on it.” I say, my spirit almost defeated, but still I will not desist. “that is why I need you out of my life. in one day you have caused me to break, your subsequent visits kept me from healing so much so that I went through a massive depressive episode. massive. so much that I was barely able to ask for help. I could barely get up in the morning, barely function”…
This is as far as I got, I can guess that she would freak and repeat that I’m wrong and don’t know what I’m talking about, because that’s the type of person she is. But I can’t think it out beyond this. And yes, if anyone wants to know, eventually my mother is being removed from my life.
- Who I am, Why I am Mentally Ill (kstruggles.wordpress.com) this gives some background on this post.