Letter To Myself

You know about those letter you are supposed to write yourself, to your past self, to change something or what ever. This is one of those. Well actually it’s one post with multiple letters

Dear Kathlynn

congratulations you have finished Gr.5. you know that thing you are denying? tell some one. Please. I know you don’t want to believe it’s wrong. You don’t want to believe your daddy would do it. But he is. Tell an important person. But not your mommy, she might not believe you. Tell your teacher, or grandma T. You telling is a good thing. And if you don’t tell, that’s okay too. But I want you to know that it is wrong, it is happening, and there are people around who would help you. And those emotions you are feeling tell some one about them. Not your mommy she will deny them. Not your family either. Tell a teacher. They are not normal. Though your fear of spiders and crossing roads are understandable.

Also you are a wonderful awesome person. I wish I was still like you. Also, please study, please? pretty please? you will buy yourself books and chocolate if you do!

Your older, wiser self.

 

Dear Kathlynn

Hurray, you just started gr.9. Please tell someone. You are depressed. You do need the treatment you want. The attention you don’t think you have the right to demand. Your mother is the bitch you are starting to think of her as. And, while it’s hard, try to push yourself past your learned fear of social services and get out of that house. you will thank me for it. They can place you with your family or a nice family else where (remember N). It will do you good. Your mother is depressed as well. That doesn’t excuse her behaviour, but you are right, there is something wrong with her. Please get help. Your mom will just deny it, but maybe if you tell someone else you will get the help you need. Also, Study you idiot. There is still time to learn how. You will thank yourself a lot sooner then you think.

Your, older wiser self

Dear Kathlynn

Congratulations you just finished gr.11. Do not take that job at Huskey. Don’t, it’s not worth it, in any way. You will regret it. Go to grandma’s with some resumes and try to get a job there. Maybe you’ll even get to stay there. Also don’t bother taking that test in biology next year, you are going to fail it, ’cause you never studied. And don’t put off applying for schools. Go for your dreams as soon as you can, because if you don’t you won’t have the courage to do them in the future.

Also, your feelings, they aren’t normal, please get help. Please, you need it.

your sadder self

Dear Kathlynn

Thank you, thank you so much for getting help. I know why we didn’t go sooner. But it will get better. The glow will dim, but the numbness? it is a sign of depression. I know right, why didn’t they tell us that in school? But it will go away, for at least 3 years. But now, now you need to focus on getting better. And getting your license so you can boogie out of grandma’s. It’s not going to be good for much longer. Go before you are trapped there. Also, Ter is awesome, Wile Tra and LD suck. Do not stay in the sorority. It’s not worth it. Really it’s going to get bad, and it’s not worth it. This year will be awesome, but the next one will suck. Remember the church group, yeah it will be just like that. except with judgemental bitches, who cannot accept you for who you are.

 

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reposibility and chores

Hi everyone. I want to write about a topic today, it might be hard to relate to my side.  And I know it will paint me as lazy, maybe selfish and stuff. But I hope that I will get my points across clearly so it doesn’t.

Growing up my mother never had a job, and never really kept the house clean, or assigned up chores. We did have chores at our dad’s, but weren’t ever there long enough for it to make a difference. As we got older my mother began to get upset because we didn’t keep our rooms clean, do dishes etc. And when your messy room is cleaner than the rest of the house, or you don’t have a proper storage space for your belongings you start to resent that, and well never clean up after yourself.

Truthfully, if there is a stay at home parent I do not think it should be the kids job to do any of the cleaning, except for the purpose of habit-forming and learning. Especially if the stay at home parent sits on their ass and watches TV all day, or plays on the computer or socializes. Which is what my mother did. Any chores that got done were assigned to my brother and I, which doesn’t mean that we always did them, but that they did get done. In spite of our asthma, or my brother’s allergies. (the dust from replacing cat litter for out 15 indoor cats always strongly triggered our asthma). If clothes were in our laundry bin for a year, beside the washer, it was our fault because [we exist and my mom cannot accept responsibility] we didn’t tell her. Same if the clothing was placed on the washer. “she didn’t know it was there.

I know my mother has at least on mental illness. So many of her actions are “caused” by them. But I cannot accept that to the extent that she let everything go, that it’s all mental illness. If it was just hoarding, that’d be one thing. but the blaming that went on, everything being my fault, or my responsibility. I cannot. Not when I’ve talked to other people who have it way worse for mental illness (like PTSD, DID, SI, ED) and they try to get better, rather than wallow in the problems. They work on doing something, rather than just sitting around doing nothing. And they don’t blame people for things they should have done. They also treat their mental illness once they know about it.

Besides from that, if you are at home, that is your job, taking care of the home. I’m not saying things should be spotless, that would be very hypocritical of myself (my room is a mess at this very moment). Assign the chores that you can’t get done to other family members. Don\t work yourself to the bone. But remember, while yes you do have a full-time job ( or two) taking care of the home, so does you possible spouse (if he/she doesn’t, tell them to get off their ass and get a job, or pitch in more), and any kids you have that are of school age. Especially kids of school age. Because school IS a full-time job, whether its elementary school, high school, or college. I know this is not the case for everyone, but when I was in high school, I went fairly academic, due to lack of alternative classes. Many of the science classes would give me at least one hour of homework a night, per class. same with the math. One semester I had math, biology, and chemistry. If I’d done the chemistry home work I would have had 5 hours of homework every night (I chose not to do it and just copy it from the back because I didn’t grasp the concepts and the teacher couldn’t help me understand it better… and she didn’t check the homework that often either). As it was I still have 4 hours, And I didn’t get home until 3:45-4pm, after taking the bus straight after school. So that puts away from home 7:40am- 3:45pm, homework from 4:30pm-8:30pm (if I remembered to do it, which I didn’t always, instead I’d do it in other classes). That leaves about 1.5 hours to do chores. Or relax. As someone who wasn’t in the habit of cleaning, yeah I’d choose relaxing over chores.

Now, living with my grandma, she has a little more room to complain, she keeps the house a little neater, she actually cooks supper, and washes the clothing unprompted (But then again I rarely have enough clothing to get washed on my own, else I’d pitch in there). And she works full-time. Which gains her a lot of ground. But when she expects me to help her clean the front room, or kitchen, beyond getting my stuff out of them, and collecting cans it annoys me. Because I’m not really allowed to have my things outside of my room (which is why it’s sooo messy, my room’s tiny and doesn’t have much space to organize everything). And because she will over react to the amount of stuff I have it those rooms. before I began to “live” in my room, She’d always be after me to get my books out of the front room and put them away, often it was like 5 book, once it was literally 1 book, she’s been going on and on about how my books were everywhere for a week, and I had one book in the front room (which is why it took me a week to do anything). She also judges how I do anything, so I’d cook more (and tried to, for a bit) but she’s constantly telling me to do [whatever I’m doing] differently. Or she gets upset when I don’t trust the milk, or something else we have.

I feel like, okay you want me to do more, tell me what you want me to do, a time frame (like “while I’m gone shopping”) and make sure I’m listening, and accept that I might forget and need reminded otherwise. (it’s a flaw of mine, tell me something while I’m reading, or if I have to switch my concentration too many times and I will forget (getting ready for the bus, to the bus, then through school, I’m going to forget to pick up the butter there’s at least 5 big things I’m focused on with countless other little things, and reading time).). And be consistent. You hear that advice on TV, in magazines, etc, all the time. It’s true, when you are not used to doing something, You Do NOT Think About It. While I should, I do not associate dishes being in the dishwasher meaning I should put them away (they may be dirty), or if it’s in a different spot (it moves). If it was mostly, or always done at a specific time, If I was reminded to do it when I’m not concentrating on something else, then I’d be more likely to do it. Rather then doing it occasionally and getting yelled at every few months for forgetting to. Not to say I shouldn’t try to (I do, but I’m more forgetful than the average person IMOP), or that she shouldn’t get mad at me for not putting them away.

Also people need to be clear in their expectations, things should be divided up evenly given consideration to all factors. Like age, gender, and knowledge on how to clean/cook, and free time. I say age, because if you are young you are probably be able to do more then an older person, maybe stronger as well. I say gender because truthfully, most guys are stronger than me, a female. So yeah, I’m getting the guy to mow the lawn, and I’ll take washing the dishes, type of thing, where strength may matter. Not due to actual gender stereotypes. rather personal experience.